This month we celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that it's been over 50 years since Blaine and I met in the lobby of Ruth Collins Hall on the campus of Baylor University. It was not love at first sight, nor have we had an easy time throughout our entire marriage. We've had our share of marital difficulties and at one time despaired whether our marriage would even make it. That's the reason why we have had such an interest in speaking at marriage conferences and counseling with couples who are in need of help in walking through the choppy waters of marital difficulty.
I would love to have a marital Q & A here on my blog. If you have marriage type questions or comments that you would like to have addressed, just leave a question/comment, and we'll address it.
Looking forward to your input!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
MARRIAGE RESOURCES, BOOKS & OTHER THINGS
Now that our series, 31 Ways To Mess Up Your Marriage, is complete, I wanted to recommend some resources that have been helpful to us through the years.
- Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich (Thomas Nelson, 2007). This is a book, workbook and cd series that is some of the best material available. It is an eight week series that you can go through in your small home group or individually if you'd like to do so. You can find the material at www.loveandrespect.com.
- The Love Dare by Stephen & Alex Kendrick (Broadman & Holman, 2008). The accompanying book to the Fireproof movie, this is no lightweight. It is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is strong and healthy or in peril, it is an effective tool.
- Love Extravagantly by Chuck and Marita Littauer Noon (Bethany House, 2001). This book is written by a couple who are personal friends of mine. Marita, an expert in the personalities, and her husband, Chuck, a family therapist, use real-life examples and professionalism to craft a book that deals with the challenges of modern marriage.
- Marriage Today.com - This is the web site for Jimmy & Karen Evans' ministry to marriages. Their material is excellent, down-to-earth, transparent and easy to implement. Highly recommend their material and conferences.
- Don & Sally Meredith - www.2becoming1.com. We have used the Meredith's material for over 30 years in our marriage conferences. It is excellent. They have revamped their workbooks and cds, but we find ourselves going back to it over and over agin.
- Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (Zondervan Publishing, 2000). For me, this is the salient treatise on marriage. Mr. Thomas says, This isn't a book that seeks to tell you how to have a happier marriage. What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? This is a book that looks at how we can use the challenges, joys, struggles, and celebration of marriage to draw closer to God. That says it all!
Friday, February 10, 2012
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #31 - LACK OF INCENTIVE
Blaine and I are facilitating the marriage series "Love & Respect" at our church for the next few weeks. Dr. Emerson Eggerich is excellent in his presentation and peppers his talks with pithy sayings and humor. One thing he says that has stuck with me is: "We don't lack ability; we lack incentive." I have found that to be true, usually on the part of one of the partners.
When a marriage gets in trouble, it is not uncommon for one of the partners to be very interested in going to counseling and working on the marriage. That partner usually wants the counselor to "fix" their spouse. The couple sit in our office with one partner sitting on the edge of the chair, and the other sitting back with a stoic expression on his/her face. There is little or no incentive on the part of the disengaged partner.
I think that happens for a couple of reasons -- one being the issues have probably gone on so long that partner doesn't think there is any hope. Secondly, sometimes the disengaged partner is just that - disengaged - and has no incentive to try to reconnect.
In the popular movie, "Top Gun," the fighter pilot, Maverick, is on a mission, but fear takes over and he hesitates to face the enemy. His colleagues shout at him, "Engage, Maverick! Engage!" as the enemy comes closer and closer to destroying them. Finally he snaps out of it and completes his mission. He didn't lack the ability. He lacked the incentive.
As we close this series, I just want to encourage you all by saying that you have the ability to work through your marriage issues. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. We don't lack ability; we lack incentive. Grab hold of the promises of God and engage the enemy on behalf of your marriage. And having done all, stand!
This is the last blog in this series. I hope it has been helpful. If so, please let me know either by
leaving a comment or sending me an email. I'd love to hear from you. I pray your marriages will be a light set on a hill in your community. Blessings!
When a marriage gets in trouble, it is not uncommon for one of the partners to be very interested in going to counseling and working on the marriage. That partner usually wants the counselor to "fix" their spouse. The couple sit in our office with one partner sitting on the edge of the chair, and the other sitting back with a stoic expression on his/her face. There is little or no incentive on the part of the disengaged partner.
I think that happens for a couple of reasons -- one being the issues have probably gone on so long that partner doesn't think there is any hope. Secondly, sometimes the disengaged partner is just that - disengaged - and has no incentive to try to reconnect.
In the popular movie, "Top Gun," the fighter pilot, Maverick, is on a mission, but fear takes over and he hesitates to face the enemy. His colleagues shout at him, "Engage, Maverick! Engage!" as the enemy comes closer and closer to destroying them. Finally he snaps out of it and completes his mission. He didn't lack the ability. He lacked the incentive.
As we close this series, I just want to encourage you all by saying that you have the ability to work through your marriage issues. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. We don't lack ability; we lack incentive. Grab hold of the promises of God and engage the enemy on behalf of your marriage. And having done all, stand!
This is the last blog in this series. I hope it has been helpful. If so, please let me know either by
leaving a comment or sending me an email. I'd love to hear from you. I pray your marriages will be a light set on a hill in your community. Blessings!
Friday, February 3, 2012
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #30 - FAILURE TO USE THE WORD OF GOD
I messed up on the numbering a few posts back, but we are straight now. This is the next to last post on 31 Ways To Mess Up Your Marriage, and we are talking this week about the main weapon of our warfare in the fight against the real enemy of our marriages. That weapon is the Word of God.
We must get to the place in our marriages, our lives, where we make our decisions based on the Word of God. In a recent Barna study the vast majority of people said they make decisions based on what they feel will bring the greatest results. That spells disaster! When we make decisions based on our feelings, we have put ourselves in a precarious position.
Feelings fluctuate based on all sorts of conditions - our physical condition, the weather, limited information available, miscommunication. Only the standard of the Word of God is a true, pure, straight plumb line by which we can measure our decisions.
Sometimes there are decisions we have to make for which we have no clear-cut guidelines - such as which job to accept or which house to buy. We submit those decisions to the Lord and when we've prayed and receive direction and His peace, we move ahead. But there are other decisions for which there are clear standards, such as no pre-marital sex, no appearance of evil, no adultery, no unjust gain, tithing, meeting together with other believers, training up our children in the Lord, no divorce.
The enemy runs in the face of a godly marriage that holds up the standard of God's Word as their banner. The Bible says that the Word is sharper than any two-edged sword - use your sharp sword to fight the enemy and watch him flee.
We must get to the place in our marriages, our lives, where we make our decisions based on the Word of God. In a recent Barna study the vast majority of people said they make decisions based on what they feel will bring the greatest results. That spells disaster! When we make decisions based on our feelings, we have put ourselves in a precarious position.
Feelings fluctuate based on all sorts of conditions - our physical condition, the weather, limited information available, miscommunication. Only the standard of the Word of God is a true, pure, straight plumb line by which we can measure our decisions.
Sometimes there are decisions we have to make for which we have no clear-cut guidelines - such as which job to accept or which house to buy. We submit those decisions to the Lord and when we've prayed and receive direction and His peace, we move ahead. But there are other decisions for which there are clear standards, such as no pre-marital sex, no appearance of evil, no adultery, no unjust gain, tithing, meeting together with other believers, training up our children in the Lord, no divorce.
The enemy runs in the face of a godly marriage that holds up the standard of God's Word as their banner. The Bible says that the Word is sharper than any two-edged sword - use your sharp sword to fight the enemy and watch him flee.
Friday, January 27, 2012
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #29 - FAILURE TO FIGHT THE RIGHT BATTLES
In our marriages we need to know how to fight. And I'm not talking about a marriage counselor's usual advice on knowing how to work through disagreement. That's valuable information, but what I would like to discuss here this week is knowing how to fight the spiritual battles in marriage - how to fight the Enemy who is the real enemy of marriage.
Satan hates vibrant, healthy, stable, loving Christian marriages. He will do everything in his power to destroy every one he can. Don't think that he won't target you, and it won't happen to your marriage. I never dreamed that he would have been able to wreak the havoc in our marriage that he did. It's too long a story to go into in a blog, but he came in through a loop hole in our marriage and nearly destroyed it. If we hadn't believed God's Word more than our emotions and desires, we would have been a divorce statistic.
God's Word is the first weapon in fighting the Enemy in your marriage. It is essential that we establish the fact that God's Word is the standard for our marriage - not our friends' well-meaning advice, the marriage counselor's instructions (although they may be good), Hollywood or romance novels. George Barna's group has revealed that even among born-again believers, only 40% consult the Bible when making important moral or ethical decisions. Have we completely lost our minds? God's Word should be the final authority for our lives, our marriages and our decision making.
My husband received counsel during our marital upheaval from a godly well-meaning head of a large ministry to go home and just ask me, "Well, do you want a divorce?" Which he did.
I refused to answer him. If I had followed the course of my emotions or friends' advice, I would have said, "Yes." But I simply could not. My commitment to Jesus and our daughters took priority over my own personal desires.
I'm so glad that my husband and I stood on the solid rock when we hit bottom. It stayed solid and sure, and we weathered the storm. You can too.
Satan hates vibrant, healthy, stable, loving Christian marriages. He will do everything in his power to destroy every one he can. Don't think that he won't target you, and it won't happen to your marriage. I never dreamed that he would have been able to wreak the havoc in our marriage that he did. It's too long a story to go into in a blog, but he came in through a loop hole in our marriage and nearly destroyed it. If we hadn't believed God's Word more than our emotions and desires, we would have been a divorce statistic.
God's Word is the first weapon in fighting the Enemy in your marriage. It is essential that we establish the fact that God's Word is the standard for our marriage - not our friends' well-meaning advice, the marriage counselor's instructions (although they may be good), Hollywood or romance novels. George Barna's group has revealed that even among born-again believers, only 40% consult the Bible when making important moral or ethical decisions. Have we completely lost our minds? God's Word should be the final authority for our lives, our marriages and our decision making.
My husband received counsel during our marital upheaval from a godly well-meaning head of a large ministry to go home and just ask me, "Well, do you want a divorce?" Which he did.
I refused to answer him. If I had followed the course of my emotions or friends' advice, I would have said, "Yes." But I simply could not. My commitment to Jesus and our daughters took priority over my own personal desires.
I'm so glad that my husband and I stood on the solid rock when we hit bottom. It stayed solid and sure, and we weathered the storm. You can too.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #28 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE THE ENEMY
We're going to take a turn for the last few posts. The real enemy of marriages is the Enemy. So many - no, I would say - the majority of couples who are experiencing marital problems don't really acknowledge nor deal with the fact that Satan is doing everything in his power to destroy their marriage.
Marriage as God intended it is to reflect his image. It is to be a picture of Christ and his Bride, the Church. Satan's ultimate enemy, second only to Jesus himself, is a godly marriage, home and family. He targets the relationship that is supposed to be a covenant relationship, never to be broken, and brings in distractions and temptations that even the strongest find difficult to resist. That's why we see so many pastors fall. That's why the divorce rate, even in the church is basically the same as in secular society. We don't acknowledge that we are in a battle, a spiritual battle, for our marriages, and we must stand up and fight for them.
We'll discuss more next week about how to deal with the Enemy, but there was a time that my husband and I had to fight for our marriage. Emotionally, we didn't really want to. We didn't really know how to. But God's word was stronger in reality to us than our own emotions, and we fought. It took us years. We lost some battles, but we won the war. This spring we will be married 50 years. We are more in love than ever. It's worth the fight.
Marriage as God intended it is to reflect his image. It is to be a picture of Christ and his Bride, the Church. Satan's ultimate enemy, second only to Jesus himself, is a godly marriage, home and family. He targets the relationship that is supposed to be a covenant relationship, never to be broken, and brings in distractions and temptations that even the strongest find difficult to resist. That's why we see so many pastors fall. That's why the divorce rate, even in the church is basically the same as in secular society. We don't acknowledge that we are in a battle, a spiritual battle, for our marriages, and we must stand up and fight for them.
We'll discuss more next week about how to deal with the Enemy, but there was a time that my husband and I had to fight for our marriage. Emotionally, we didn't really want to. We didn't really know how to. But God's word was stronger in reality to us than our own emotions, and we fought. It took us years. We lost some battles, but we won the war. This spring we will be married 50 years. We are more in love than ever. It's worth the fight.
Friday, January 6, 2012
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #27 - PROBLEMS WITH IN-LAWS
I'll have to admit that I have very little personal experience with in-law problems. My husband's parents were wonderful parents and equally wonderful in-laws. My husband grew up in the ideal home environment - lots of love, laughter, acceptance and most importantly, a household that honored and followed Jesus. Do you remember "Leave It To Beaver?" Or "Ozzie and Harriet?" Well, that was how my husband grew up. For that reason, I never have thought mother-in-law jokes were funny. The main in-law problems I had were due to trying to live up to the example they presented!
One of the stresses in the in-law situation, particularly the husband's mother, is that she may feel she is being replaced and not loved as much anymore. It is up to her son (your husband) to reassure her that she is just as loved. Her role has simply shifted. Daughters are better at conveying that reassurance to their parents than men seem to be, so help your husband out here and encourage him to do so.
My favorite philosopher, Dr. Phil, urges his clients to own the responsibility for their respective parents. And I think this is a good rule-of-thumb. A husband should not allow his mother or father to disparage or criticize his spouse -- and should speak up if they do. A wife should not allow her parents to run her husband down -- and should confront the issue if they should do so.
Problems with in-laws can become very complicated but as with all relationships, the bottom line is to love them - in spite of faults and shortcomings. Sometimes a relationship -- not just with in-laws but with all relationships -- can become toxic. That goes to another level and may need professional help or at times separation for the good of the family as a whole. Those situations are rare. For most, a good relationship with the in-laws will require some sacrifice, much love and understanding.
Why not write a note to your in-laws thanking them for raising such a fabulous child -- who is now your husband/wife? That would go a long way towards mellowing the heart of your in-laws. Jesus really meant it when he told us to love one another -- and that includes in-laws.
One of the stresses in the in-law situation, particularly the husband's mother, is that she may feel she is being replaced and not loved as much anymore. It is up to her son (your husband) to reassure her that she is just as loved. Her role has simply shifted. Daughters are better at conveying that reassurance to their parents than men seem to be, so help your husband out here and encourage him to do so.
My favorite philosopher, Dr. Phil, urges his clients to own the responsibility for their respective parents. And I think this is a good rule-of-thumb. A husband should not allow his mother or father to disparage or criticize his spouse -- and should speak up if they do. A wife should not allow her parents to run her husband down -- and should confront the issue if they should do so.
Problems with in-laws can become very complicated but as with all relationships, the bottom line is to love them - in spite of faults and shortcomings. Sometimes a relationship -- not just with in-laws but with all relationships -- can become toxic. That goes to another level and may need professional help or at times separation for the good of the family as a whole. Those situations are rare. For most, a good relationship with the in-laws will require some sacrifice, much love and understanding.
Why not write a note to your in-laws thanking them for raising such a fabulous child -- who is now your husband/wife? That would go a long way towards mellowing the heart of your in-laws. Jesus really meant it when he told us to love one another -- and that includes in-laws.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)