In our marriages we need to know how to fight. And I'm not talking about a marriage counselor's usual advice on knowing how to work through disagreement. That's valuable information, but what I would like to discuss here this week is knowing how to fight the spiritual battles in marriage - how to fight the Enemy who is the real enemy of marriage.
Satan hates vibrant, healthy, stable, loving Christian marriages. He will do everything in his power to destroy every one he can. Don't think that he won't target you, and it won't happen to your marriage. I never dreamed that he would have been able to wreak the havoc in our marriage that he did. It's too long a story to go into in a blog, but he came in through a loop hole in our marriage and nearly destroyed it. If we hadn't believed God's Word more than our emotions and desires, we would have been a divorce statistic.
God's Word is the first weapon in fighting the Enemy in your marriage. It is essential that we establish the fact that God's Word is the standard for our marriage - not our friends' well-meaning advice, the marriage counselor's instructions (although they may be good), Hollywood or romance novels. George Barna's group has revealed that even among born-again believers, only 40% consult the Bible when making important moral or ethical decisions. Have we completely lost our minds? God's Word should be the final authority for our lives, our marriages and our decision making.
My husband received counsel during our marital upheaval from a godly well-meaning head of a large ministry to go home and just ask me, "Well, do you want a divorce?" Which he did.
I refused to answer him. If I had followed the course of my emotions or friends' advice, I would have said, "Yes." But I simply could not. My commitment to Jesus and our daughters took priority over my own personal desires.
I'm so glad that my husband and I stood on the solid rock when we hit bottom. It stayed solid and sure, and we weathered the storm. You can too.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #27 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE THE ENEMY
We're going to take a turn for the last few posts. The real enemy of marriages is the Enemy. So many - no, I would say - the majority of couples who are experiencing marital problems don't really acknowledge nor deal with the fact that Satan is doing everything in his power to destroy their marriage.
Marriage as God intended it is to reflect his image. It is to be a picture of Christ and his Bride, the Church. Satan's ultimate enemy, second only to Jesus himself, is a godly marriage, home and family. He targets the relationship that is supposed to be a covenant relationship, never to be broken, and brings in distractions and temptations that even the strongest find difficult to resist. That's why we see so many pastors fall. That's why the divorce rate, even in the church is basically the same as in secular society. We don't acknowledge that we are in a battle, a spiritual battle, for our marriages, and we must stand up and fight for them.
We'll discuss more next week about how to deal with the Enemy, but there was a time that my husband and I had to fight for our marriage. Emotionally, we didn't really want to. We didn't really know how to. But God's word was stronger in reality to us than our own emotions, and we fought. It took us years. We lost some battles, but we won the war. This spring we will be married 50 years. We are more in love than ever. It's worth the fight.
Marriage as God intended it is to reflect his image. It is to be a picture of Christ and his Bride, the Church. Satan's ultimate enemy, second only to Jesus himself, is a godly marriage, home and family. He targets the relationship that is supposed to be a covenant relationship, never to be broken, and brings in distractions and temptations that even the strongest find difficult to resist. That's why we see so many pastors fall. That's why the divorce rate, even in the church is basically the same as in secular society. We don't acknowledge that we are in a battle, a spiritual battle, for our marriages, and we must stand up and fight for them.
We'll discuss more next week about how to deal with the Enemy, but there was a time that my husband and I had to fight for our marriage. Emotionally, we didn't really want to. We didn't really know how to. But God's word was stronger in reality to us than our own emotions, and we fought. It took us years. We lost some battles, but we won the war. This spring we will be married 50 years. We are more in love than ever. It's worth the fight.
Friday, January 6, 2012
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - PROBLEMS WITH IN-LAWS
I'll have to admit that I have very little personal experience with in-law problems. My husband's parents were wonderful parents and equally wonderful in-laws. My husband grew up in the ideal home environment - lots of love, laughter, acceptance and most importantly, a household that honored and followed Jesus. Do you remember "Leave It To Beaver?" Or "Ozzie and Harriet?" Well, that was how my husband grew up. For that reason, I never have thought mother-in-law jokes were funny. The main in-law problems I had were due to trying to live up to the example they presented!
One of the stresses in the in-law situation, particularly the husband's mother, is that she may feel she is being replaced and not loved as much anymore. It is up to her son (your husband) to reassure her that she is just as loved. Her role has simply shifted. Daughters are better at conveying that reassurance to their parents than men seem to be, so help your husband out here and encourage him to do so.
My favorite philosopher, Dr. Phil, urges his clients to own the responsibility for their respective parents. And I think this is a good rule-of-thumb. A husband should not allow his mother or father to disparage or criticize his spouse -- and should speak up if they do. A wife should not allow her parents to run her husband down -- and should confront the issue if they should do so.
Problems with in-laws can become very complicated but as with all relationships, the bottom line is to love them - in spite of faults and shortcomings. Sometimes a relationship -- not just with in-laws but with all relationships -- can become toxic. That goes to another level and may need professional help or at times separation for the good of the family as a whole. Those situations are rare. For most, a good relationship with the in-laws will require some sacrifice, much love and understanding.
Why not write a note to your in-laws thanking them for raising such a fabulous child -- who is now your husband/wife? That would go a long way towards mellowing the heart of your in-laws. Jesus really meant it when he told us to love one another -- and that includes in-laws.
One of the stresses in the in-law situation, particularly the husband's mother, is that she may feel she is being replaced and not loved as much anymore. It is up to her son (your husband) to reassure her that she is just as loved. Her role has simply shifted. Daughters are better at conveying that reassurance to their parents than men seem to be, so help your husband out here and encourage him to do so.
My favorite philosopher, Dr. Phil, urges his clients to own the responsibility for their respective parents. And I think this is a good rule-of-thumb. A husband should not allow his mother or father to disparage or criticize his spouse -- and should speak up if they do. A wife should not allow her parents to run her husband down -- and should confront the issue if they should do so.
Problems with in-laws can become very complicated but as with all relationships, the bottom line is to love them - in spite of faults and shortcomings. Sometimes a relationship -- not just with in-laws but with all relationships -- can become toxic. That goes to another level and may need professional help or at times separation for the good of the family as a whole. Those situations are rare. For most, a good relationship with the in-laws will require some sacrifice, much love and understanding.
Why not write a note to your in-laws thanking them for raising such a fabulous child -- who is now your husband/wife? That would go a long way towards mellowing the heart of your in-laws. Jesus really meant it when he told us to love one another -- and that includes in-laws.
Friday, December 30, 2011
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #26 - HARSHNESS
I've never seen this subject addressed as such in marriage books or at marriage conferences. It is a subject covered under anger most of the time, I suppose. But this is something that slips in under the cover of familiarity in the marriage and probably does far more damage than we can imagine.
I'm talking about harshness in attitude, in words, in discipline, in everyday situations. Sometimes we get so accustomed to being around each other we forget to treat our spouse with the same courtesy we afford to strangers on the street.
Early in our marriage my husband had a pretty short temper fuse, whether it was yelling at his favorite football team or at a driver who didn't execute as quickly as he thought they should. Or whether it was when the pancakes I served for breakfast were cold. He's generally a very happy, laid-back type of guy, but then this volcano would erupt out of nowhere. When I'd ask why he was mad, he would respond with "I'm not mad!" But he was exhibiting a harshness toward which said to everyone around that he was angry. I'm happy to say he has allowed the Lord to smooth down those rough edges, and that temper is not there any longer.
I suppose perhaps harshness many times is the symptom of underlying anger. However, what I am talking about here is when we get in the habit of addressing our mates and family with a curt word or a critical attitude rather than with kindness and courtesy. That kind of daily treatment causes our mate to either withdraw or to become defensive. Neither behavior is conducive to a healthy marriage.
Scripture is clear as to how we are to treat one another. I love how Eph. 4:31-32 reads in the Amplified: Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another (readily and freely) as God in Christ forgave you.
Maybe our New Year's resolution could be to take Eph. 4:31-32 to heart, especially toward our mate?
I'm talking about harshness in attitude, in words, in discipline, in everyday situations. Sometimes we get so accustomed to being around each other we forget to treat our spouse with the same courtesy we afford to strangers on the street.
Early in our marriage my husband had a pretty short temper fuse, whether it was yelling at his favorite football team or at a driver who didn't execute as quickly as he thought they should. Or whether it was when the pancakes I served for breakfast were cold. He's generally a very happy, laid-back type of guy, but then this volcano would erupt out of nowhere. When I'd ask why he was mad, he would respond with "I'm not mad!" But he was exhibiting a harshness toward which said to everyone around that he was angry. I'm happy to say he has allowed the Lord to smooth down those rough edges, and that temper is not there any longer.
I suppose perhaps harshness many times is the symptom of underlying anger. However, what I am talking about here is when we get in the habit of addressing our mates and family with a curt word or a critical attitude rather than with kindness and courtesy. That kind of daily treatment causes our mate to either withdraw or to become defensive. Neither behavior is conducive to a healthy marriage.
Scripture is clear as to how we are to treat one another. I love how Eph. 4:31-32 reads in the Amplified: Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another (readily and freely) as God in Christ forgave you.
Maybe our New Year's resolution could be to take Eph. 4:31-32 to heart, especially toward our mate?
Friday, December 23, 2011
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #25 - FAILURE TO EXPRESS APPRECIATION
Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate you. Words we teach our children, but sometimes we forget to verbalize them to one another.
It's Christmas this weekend. I don't know of a season that women work any harder for the family than during this holy time of year. In addition to our regular duties of being wives and mothers, we are hostesses, chefs/cooks/bakers (being careful to prepare everyone's particular holiday favorite), interior decorators, shoppers and wrappers of gifts, event planners and for some of us, members or directors of choirs and Christmas programs. It's easy to get burned out and approach this sacred celebration running on empty. A few simple words of appreciation can give us the impetus to continue.
My mother-in-law taught me early in our marriage that men thrive on praise. An occasional word of appreciation - "Thank you, Honey, for servicing the car," or "I appreciate how hard you work for our family," will give your husband fuel to run on for a long time.
I write fiction. I make up stories. I particularly love writing historical fiction -- stories based on historical fact. Imagine how appreciative Mary must have been of Joseph's understanding and protection that holy night. What about Joseph's respect and admiration of Mary's role in the drama of bearing the Savior of the world, the Son of God? Did they verbally express appreciation to each other? I like to think they did. Of course, we don't know for sure, but let's do make sure that we are lavish with our appreciation to our mates. And while we are expressing appreciation ... first of all, let's praise our heavenly Father for his unspeakable gift, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Merry Christmas!
It's Christmas this weekend. I don't know of a season that women work any harder for the family than during this holy time of year. In addition to our regular duties of being wives and mothers, we are hostesses, chefs/cooks/bakers (being careful to prepare everyone's particular holiday favorite), interior decorators, shoppers and wrappers of gifts, event planners and for some of us, members or directors of choirs and Christmas programs. It's easy to get burned out and approach this sacred celebration running on empty. A few simple words of appreciation can give us the impetus to continue.
My mother-in-law taught me early in our marriage that men thrive on praise. An occasional word of appreciation - "Thank you, Honey, for servicing the car," or "I appreciate how hard you work for our family," will give your husband fuel to run on for a long time.
I write fiction. I make up stories. I particularly love writing historical fiction -- stories based on historical fact. Imagine how appreciative Mary must have been of Joseph's understanding and protection that holy night. What about Joseph's respect and admiration of Mary's role in the drama of bearing the Savior of the world, the Son of God? Did they verbally express appreciation to each other? I like to think they did. Of course, we don't know for sure, but let's do make sure that we are lavish with our appreciation to our mates. And while we are expressing appreciation ... first of all, let's praise our heavenly Father for his unspeakable gift, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 16, 2011
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #24 - FAILURE TO PRIORITIZE TIME TOGETHER
We all know that we need to spend time together as husband and wife. We realize that we will grow apart if we do not communicate with each other--and communicate well.
One of the saddest situations that we have encountered as we've grown older is observing friends' and acquaintances' marriages that have entered into the final years in a state in bitterness, or indifference, or separateness. One couple we know live basically in different towns. One couple never eat their meals together. Another spends copious amounts of time in separate hobbies and recreation. They have decided to remain married, but there is not the vibrancy, mutual respect and deep mature love that should be true of a long-term marriage.
One of the reasons for this, in my opinion, is the lack of putting time with one's mate in the early years at the head of one's list of priorities. If we do not intentionally carve out time to spend with our mates, the demands and busyness of life will crowd it out week by week until we are looking at months and then years of neglect of the relationship.
Turn off the television and set aside time to talk at the end of the day. Plan a date night at least a couple of times a month - just the two of you - no children. We recommend that couples go to one marriage conference a year, just to fine-tune their marriage.
Little foxes spoil the vine, and not being intentional in spending time together can be a huge vine spoiler. Sit down with your spouse this week and decide to spend more time together.
One of the saddest situations that we have encountered as we've grown older is observing friends' and acquaintances' marriages that have entered into the final years in a state in bitterness, or indifference, or separateness. One couple we know live basically in different towns. One couple never eat their meals together. Another spends copious amounts of time in separate hobbies and recreation. They have decided to remain married, but there is not the vibrancy, mutual respect and deep mature love that should be true of a long-term marriage.
One of the reasons for this, in my opinion, is the lack of putting time with one's mate in the early years at the head of one's list of priorities. If we do not intentionally carve out time to spend with our mates, the demands and busyness of life will crowd it out week by week until we are looking at months and then years of neglect of the relationship.
Turn off the television and set aside time to talk at the end of the day. Plan a date night at least a couple of times a month - just the two of you - no children. We recommend that couples go to one marriage conference a year, just to fine-tune their marriage.
Little foxes spoil the vine, and not being intentional in spending time together can be a huge vine spoiler. Sit down with your spouse this week and decide to spend more time together.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #23 - SEEKING REVENGE
Sometimes in a marriage one spouse will become wounded, and will try to get back at the offender. Needless to say this is not the way a believer is to react to hurt or pain. We are to give a blessing instead of an insult. We are to bless and not curse. I think we all understand that.
I was watching Dr. Phil (yes, I watch Dr Phil :) the other day where he was interviewing a couple who had been devastated by one affair after another. It all started when the husband had an affair, then the wife retaliated by having her own affair; then the husband had another and on and on it went until the marriage was wrecked on the rocks of revenge.
However, what I want to address at this point is a terrible situation that at times may evolve from a felt need for revenge ... and that is abuse. Childish one-up-manship can escalate into an issue that is much more serious.
We received a call one evening from a man telling us that we needed to get to their house right away, because he had already hit his wife and didn't know what he was going to do next. We raced to their residence to find two wide-eyed children, a wife sitting at the kitchen table with her broken glasses in front of her, and a ranting husband pacing back and forth. The wife had done something to hurt him, and he felt justified in striking her. We found out this was not a one-time occurrence but a regular affair.
Let me very clear about this: God does not intend for a wife -- or husband -- to remain in an abusive situation. He does not give grace for that. He gives wisdom for you to make the decision to seek safety for you and your children. This is the one situation where my husband and I advise separation until the offending party can undergo counseling to deal with the underlying cause of the abuse.
Unfortunately as far as we know, the wife in the previous scenario never got out of the danger her husband placed her and her children under. She chose to try to keep him appeased. The tragedy is that they may have stayed married, but unless he received some help, the harm done to the children and his wife had to be severe and greatly hinder their emotional health.
Don't let a silly desire to get even escalate into something much more harmful, even dangerous. Give a blessing, not a curse.
I was watching Dr. Phil (yes, I watch Dr Phil :) the other day where he was interviewing a couple who had been devastated by one affair after another. It all started when the husband had an affair, then the wife retaliated by having her own affair; then the husband had another and on and on it went until the marriage was wrecked on the rocks of revenge.
However, what I want to address at this point is a terrible situation that at times may evolve from a felt need for revenge ... and that is abuse. Childish one-up-manship can escalate into an issue that is much more serious.
We received a call one evening from a man telling us that we needed to get to their house right away, because he had already hit his wife and didn't know what he was going to do next. We raced to their residence to find two wide-eyed children, a wife sitting at the kitchen table with her broken glasses in front of her, and a ranting husband pacing back and forth. The wife had done something to hurt him, and he felt justified in striking her. We found out this was not a one-time occurrence but a regular affair.
Let me very clear about this: God does not intend for a wife -- or husband -- to remain in an abusive situation. He does not give grace for that. He gives wisdom for you to make the decision to seek safety for you and your children. This is the one situation where my husband and I advise separation until the offending party can undergo counseling to deal with the underlying cause of the abuse.
Unfortunately as far as we know, the wife in the previous scenario never got out of the danger her husband placed her and her children under. She chose to try to keep him appeased. The tragedy is that they may have stayed married, but unless he received some help, the harm done to the children and his wife had to be severe and greatly hinder their emotional health.
Don't let a silly desire to get even escalate into something much more harmful, even dangerous. Give a blessing, not a curse.
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