I've never seen this subject addressed as such in marriage books or at marriage conferences. It is a subject covered under anger most of the time, I suppose. But this is something that slips in under the cover of familiarity in the marriage and probably does far more damage than we can imagine.
I'm talking about harshness in attitude, in words, in discipline, in everyday situations. Sometimes we get so accustomed to being around each other we forget to treat our spouse with the same courtesy we afford to strangers on the street.
Early in our marriage my husband had a pretty short temper fuse, whether it was yelling at his favorite football team or at a driver who didn't execute as quickly as he thought they should. Or whether it was when the pancakes I served for breakfast were cold. He's generally a very happy, laid-back type of guy, but then this volcano would erupt out of nowhere. When I'd ask why he was mad, he would respond with "I'm not mad!" But he was exhibiting a harshness toward which said to everyone around that he was angry. I'm happy to say he has allowed the Lord to smooth down those rough edges, and that temper is not there any longer.
I suppose perhaps harshness many times is the symptom of underlying anger. However, what I am talking about here is when we get in the habit of addressing our mates and family with a curt word or a critical attitude rather than with kindness and courtesy. That kind of daily treatment causes our mate to either withdraw or to become defensive. Neither behavior is conducive to a healthy marriage.
Scripture is clear as to how we are to treat one another. I love how Eph. 4:31-32 reads in the Amplified: Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another (readily and freely) as God in Christ forgave you.
Maybe our New Year's resolution could be to take Eph. 4:31-32 to heart, especially toward our mate?
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