GOLDEN KEYES PARSONS

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #28 - FAILURE TO FIGHT THE RIGHT BATTLES

2012-01-27T07:23:00.000-06:00

In our marriages we need to know how to fight. And I'm not talking about a marriage counselor's usual advice on knowing how to work through disagreement. That's valuable information, but what I would like to discuss here this week is knowing how to fight the spiritual battles in marriage - how to fight the Enemy who is the real enemy of marriage.

Satan hates vibrant, healthy, stable, loving Christian marriages. He will do everything in his power to destroy every one he can. Don't think that he won't target you, and it won't happen to your marriage. I never dreamed that he would have been able to wreak the havoc in our marriage that he did. It's too long a story to go into in a blog, but he came in through a loop hole in our marriage and nearly destroyed it. If we hadn't believed God's Word more than our emotions and desires, we would have been a divorce statistic.

God's Word is the first weapon in fighting the Enemy in your marriage. It is essential that we establish the fact that God's Word is the standard for our marriage - not our friends' well-meaning advice, the marriage counselor's instructions (although they may be good), Hollywood or romance novels. George Barna's group has revealed that even among born-again believers, only 40% consult the Bible when making important moral or ethical decisions. Have we completely lost our minds? God's Word should be the final authority for our lives, our marriages and our decision making.

My husband received counsel during our marital upheaval from a godly well-meaning head of a large ministry to go home and just ask me, "Well, do you want a divorce?" Which he did.

I refused to answer him. If I had followed the course of my emotions or friends' advice, I would have said, "Yes." But I simply could not. My commitment to Jesus and our daughters took priority over my own personal desires.

I'm so glad that my husband and I stood on the solid rock when we hit bottom. It stayed solid and sure, and we weathered the storm. You can too.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #27 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE THE ENEMY

2012-01-19T21:53:00.004-06:00

We're going to take a turn for the last few posts. The real enemy of marriages is the Enemy. So many - no, I would say - the majority of couples who are experiencing marital problems don't really acknowledge nor deal with the fact that Satan is doing everything in his power to destroy their marriage.

Marriage as God intended it is to reflect his image. It is to be a picture of Christ and his Bride, the Church. Satan's ultimate enemy, second only to Jesus himself, is a godly marriage, home and family. He targets the relationship that is supposed to be a covenant relationship, never to be broken, and brings in distractions and temptations that even the strongest find difficult to resist. That's why we see so many pastors fall. That's why the divorce rate, even in the church is basically the same as in secular society. We don't acknowledge that we are in a battle, a spiritual battle, for our marriages, and we must stand up and fight for them.

We'll discuss more next week about how to deal with the Enemy, but there was a time that my husband and I had to fight for our marriage. Emotionally, we didn't really want to. We didn't really know how to. But God's word was stronger in reality to us than our own emotions, and we fought. It took us years. We lost some battles, but we won the war. This spring we will be married 50 years. We are more in love than ever. It's worth the fight.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - PROBLEMS WITH IN-LAWS

2012-01-06T12:22:00.000-06:00

I'll have to admit that I have very little personal experience with in-law problems. My husband's parents were wonderful parents and equally wonderful in-laws. My husband grew up in the ideal home environment - lots of love, laughter, acceptance and most importantly, a household that honored and followed Jesus. Do you remember "Leave It To Beaver?" Or "Ozzie and Harriet?" Well, that was how my husband grew up. For that reason, I never have thought mother-in-law jokes were funny. The main in-law problems I had were due to trying to live up to the example they presented!

One of the stresses in the in-law situation, particularly the husband's mother, is that she may feel she is being replaced and not loved as much anymore. It is up to her son (your husband) to reassure her that she is just as loved. Her role has simply shifted. Daughters are better at conveying that reassurance to their parents than men seem to be, so help your husband out here and encourage him to do so.

My favorite philosopher, Dr. Phil, urges his clients to own the responsibility for their respective parents. And I think this is a good rule-of-thumb. A husband should not allow his mother or father to disparage or criticize his spouse -- and should speak up if they do. A wife should not allow her parents to run her husband down -- and should confront the issue if they should do so.

Problems with in-laws can become very complicated but as with all relationships, the bottom line is to love them - in spite of faults and shortcomings. Sometimes a relationship -- not just with in-laws but with all relationships -- can become toxic. That goes to another level and may need professional help or at times separation for the good of the family as a whole. Those situations are rare. For most, a good relationship with the in-laws will require some sacrifice, much love and understanding.

Why not write a note to your in-laws thanking them for raising such a fabulous child -- who is now your husband/wife? That would go a long way towards mellowing the heart of your in-laws. Jesus really meant it when he told us to love one another -- and that includes in-laws.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #26 - HARSHNESS

2011-12-30T11:00:00.000-06:00

I've never seen this subject addressed as such in marriage books or at marriage conferences. It is a subject covered under anger most of the time, I suppose. But this is something that slips in under the cover of familiarity in the marriage and probably does far more damage than we can imagine.

I'm talking about harshness in attitude, in words, in discipline, in everyday situations. Sometimes we get so accustomed to being around each other we forget to treat our spouse with the same courtesy we afford to strangers on the street.

Early in our marriage my husband had a pretty short temper fuse, whether it was yelling at his favorite football team or at a driver who didn't execute as quickly as he thought they should. Or whether it was when the pancakes I served for breakfast were cold. He's generally a very happy, laid-back type of guy, but then this volcano would erupt out of nowhere. When I'd ask why he was mad, he would respond with "I'm not mad!" But he was exhibiting a harshness toward which said to everyone around that he was angry. I'm happy to say he has allowed the Lord to smooth down those rough edges, and that temper is not there any longer.

I suppose perhaps harshness many times is the symptom of underlying anger. However, what I am talking about here is when we get in the habit of addressing our mates and family with a curt word or a critical attitude rather than with kindness and courtesy. That kind of daily treatment causes our mate to either withdraw or to become defensive. Neither behavior is conducive to a healthy marriage.

Scripture is clear as to how we are to treat one another. I love how Eph. 4:31-32 reads in the Amplified: Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another (readily and freely) as God in Christ forgave you.

Maybe our New Year's resolution could be to take Eph. 4:31-32 to heart, especially toward our mate?

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #25 - FAILURE TO EXPRESS APPRECIATION

2011-12-23T16:38:00.000-06:00

Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate you. Words we teach our children, but sometimes we forget to verbalize them to one another.

It's Christmas this weekend. I don't know of a season that women work any harder for the family than during this holy time of year. In addition to our regular duties of being wives and mothers, we are hostesses, chefs/cooks/bakers (being careful to prepare everyone's particular holiday favorite), interior decorators, shoppers and wrappers of gifts, event planners and for some of us, members or directors of choirs and Christmas programs. It's easy to get burned out and approach this sacred celebration running on empty. A few simple words of appreciation can give us the impetus to continue.

My mother-in-law taught me early in our marriage that men thrive on praise. An occasional word of appreciation - "Thank you, Honey, for servicing the car," or "I appreciate how hard you work for our family," will give your husband fuel to run on for a long time.

I write fiction. I make up stories. I particularly love writing historical fiction -- stories based on historical fact. Imagine how appreciative Mary must have been of Joseph's understanding and protection that holy night. What about Joseph's respect and admiration of Mary's role in the drama of bearing the Savior of the world, the Son of God? Did they verbally express appreciation to each other? I like to think they did. Of course, we don't know for sure, but let's do make sure that we are lavish with our appreciation to our mates. And while we are expressing appreciation ... first of all, let's praise our heavenly Father for his unspeakable gift, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas!

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #24 - FAILURE TO PRIORITIZE TIME TOGETHER

2011-12-16T11:24:00.000-06:00

We all know that we need to spend time together as husband and wife. We realize that we will grow apart if we do not communicate with each other--and communicate well.

One of the saddest situations that we have encountered as we've grown older is observing friends' and acquaintances' marriages that have entered into the final years in a state in bitterness, or indifference, or separateness. One couple we know live basically in different towns. One couple never eat their meals together. Another spends copious amounts of time in separate hobbies and recreation. They have decided to remain married, but there is not the vibrancy, mutual respect and deep mature love that should be true of a long-term marriage.

One of the reasons for this, in my opinion, is the lack of putting time with one's mate in the early years at the head of one's list of priorities. If we do not intentionally carve out time to spend with our mates, the demands and busyness of life will crowd it out week by week until we are looking at months and then years of neglect of the relationship.

Turn off the television and set aside time to talk at the end of the day. Plan a date night at least a couple of times a month - just the two of you - no children. We recommend that couples go to one marriage conference a year, just to fine-tune their marriage.

Little foxes spoil the vine, and not being intentional in spending time together can be a huge vine spoiler. Sit down with your spouse this week and decide to spend more time together.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #23 - SEEKING REVENGE

2011-12-08T12:23:00.000-06:00

Sometimes in a marriage one spouse will become wounded, and will try to get back at the offender. Needless to say this is not the way a believer is to react to hurt or pain. We are to give a blessing instead of an insult. We are to bless and not curse. I think we all understand that.

I was watching Dr. Phil (yes, I watch Dr Phil :) the other day where he was interviewing a couple who had been devastated by one affair after another. It all started when the husband had an affair, then the wife retaliated by having her own affair; then the husband had another and on and on it went until the marriage was wrecked on the rocks of revenge.

However, what I want to address at this point is a terrible situation that at times may evolve from a felt need for revenge ... and that is abuse. Childish one-up-manship can escalate into an issue that is much more serious.

We received a call one evening from a man telling us that we needed to get to their house right away, because he had already hit his wife and didn't know what he was going to do next. We raced to their residence to find two wide-eyed children, a wife sitting at the kitchen table with her broken glasses in front of her, and a ranting husband pacing back and forth. The wife had done something to hurt him, and he felt justified in striking her. We found out this was not a one-time occurrence but a regular affair.

Let me very clear about this: God does not intend for a wife -- or husband -- to remain in an abusive situation. He does not give grace for that. He gives wisdom for you to make the decision to seek safety for you and your children. This is the one situation where my husband and I advise separation until the offending party can undergo counseling to deal with the underlying cause of the abuse.

Unfortunately as far as we know, the wife in the previous scenario never got out of the danger her husband placed her and her children under. She chose to try to keep him appeased. The tragedy is that they may have stayed married, but unless he received some help, the harm done to the children and his wife had to be severe and greatly hinder their emotional health.

Don't let a silly desire to get even escalate into something much more harmful, even dangerous. Give a blessing, not a curse.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #22 - REPRESSING FEELINGS

2011-12-04T20:30:00.000-06:00

Many of us cope with pain by hiding how we really feel. There are many reasons for stuffing our feelings - fear of rejection or ridicule, not wanting to be vulnerable to another, fear of misunderstanding, a desire to avoid confrontation, etc. We tend to bury what hurts us, and the emotions go underground, but like a leak in a water pipe in the ground, they can do much damage. We can even become passive-aggressive toward our spouse.

A passive-agressive person seeks to control others by various means: speaking cryptically in order to create a feeling of insecurity in others; feigning helplessness to control another; chronically being late and forgetting things in order to exert control or to punish; avoidance of intimacy as a means to act out anger; sulking.

Many people spend years repressing their true feelings, then cannot discern why they are so angry or feel such hurt. They have no idea how to resolve the conflict, but it must be dealt with in order that the marriage be healthy. Instead of being a healer in the marriage, the person who has stuffed his or her feelings becomes a wounder.

Even though it seems easier to repress one's feelings, it is not the healthy, nor the right way to deal with pain. If you need help in dealing with repressed feelings, you may need a professional counselor. Consult your pastor to help you work through these issues or to refer you to a Christian counselor. It may be painful and it may be messy to work through the emotions, but your marriage will benefit greatly from it.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #21 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

2011-11-25T11:53:00.000-06:00

Coming off of our Thanksgiving celebration I was reminded that integrating family holiday customs and traditions is sometimes difficult. When my husband and I do a marriage conference, this is usually the first issue that we cover.

I think we all understand if husband and wife come from different cultures and/or it is a bi-racial union, those adjustments are expected and difficult at times. But even when the families of origin are very similar in beliefs, section of the country, and race, there are still unexpected compromises that need to be made.

My mother was from Indiana. My father from Oklahoma. I can remember my mom talking about the first time she had black-eyes peas. In Indiana they fed them to the hogs. In the South, they eat them for good luck on New Year's Day. My husband's family always had Mexican food on Christmas Eve. And did not open gifts until Christmas morning after Santa Claus had come. My family did not have Christmas stockings. My mother-in-law had made gorgeous velvet stockings with glittering, personalized figures on each one. (A tradition which I have continued.) One year our middle daughter was in California working as a nanny for a family, and she called home on Thanksgiving afternoon so upset that the dressing the family served was not the cornbread dressing she had grown up eating, and the salad was jello. She was a young woman in her twenties, a college graduate, and she was upset over dressing and jello!

Holiday traditions are important, and add a point of security for children, but failure to recognize that compromises need to be reached regarding holiday traditions, food preferences, general operation of the family -- as trivial as they may sound on the surface -- can erupt into major issues if not attended to. As that great philosopher, Dr Phil says, "Relationships are managed, not controlled." And in that management, much compromise on both sides is required.

What is a major point of adjustment you needed to make in your marriage which involved cultural differences? This might be a good time of year to discuss it with your mate ... and have a good laugh!

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #20 - FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND SEXUAL DIFFERENCES

2011-11-18T11:48:00.000-06:00

Men and women are different. Talk about an understatement! Volumes have been written about the subject, but when it comes to the sex life of couples, so much hurt and misunderstanding takes place because of these differences. A short blog does not permit the space needed to fully discuss the subject of sex in marriage, but I'd like to mention a couple of pivotal issues that if adhered to would alleviate much of the tension in this area.

Marriage is the place to have the best sex--not before marriage, outside of marriage or in addition to marriage. Hollywood has done a number on us as far as what a good sexual relationship looks like. Very seldom do movies depict healthy robust sexual relationships within the marriage relationship. Sex outside of marriage does harm to both parties, but the most wounding occurs to the woman. Her need for emotional intimacy and security can only met within a healthy marital relationship.
Servanthood is the biblical standard for the sexual relationship. (1 Cor. 7:1-5) Each mate must understand the sexual differences of the other and be willing to meet them. For a man, sex is a primary need. For most women, it is secondary at best. Once we are married, we cannot force or manipulate our spouses into meeting our sexual needs. We simply must accept the fact that we need each other to meet one another's needs and if we are ever going to experience ultimate sex, it will be in the context of servanthood.

The top three areas of conflict in marriage are sex, finances and in-laws. We have covered all of these now in our blog. I would love to hear your comments as to which area has given you the most problems. All of us have experienced difficulty in each of these areas, and not resolving the conflict in these three areas leads to more divorce that anything else. But with the Lord, even the most sticky issue can be resolved. Would love to hear from some of you. Blessings!

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #19 - LACK OF KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICT

2011-11-10T19:40:00.000-06:00

First of all an apology -- I missed posting a couple of Fridays. I was out of town the first week and just didn't get it done. Then the second week the hard drive on my computer crashed, and I was without it for a week. Hopefully we are back on track now.

Conflict is an inevitable reality of life. There is no way to avoid it in our imperfect world, and marriage offers a wonderful opportunity to learn how to manage conflict. To enjoy successful relationships we must learn to manage conflict, not avoid it. How we handle conflict may very well determine the longevity and health of our marriage relationship.

Many of us adapted very destructive ways of solving conflict as we grew up -- withdraw, belittle, criticize, attack, pout. None of these are effective ways to resolve conflict. The person may get what he/she wants for the moment, but the relationship will be sabotaged and the long-term effects are usually disastrous.

In seeking to resolve conflict:

Use wisdom in the timing. Ask your mate if it's a good time to discuss the issue. If not, ask when would be a good time.
Pray first for yourself, then pray together.
Seek to understand, not simply to be right. Identify the problem. Share your feelings and allow your mate to do the same.
Brainstorm possible solutions.
Agree on a possible plan of action to try. Be willing to compromise. Find a solution that is agreeable with both of you.
Work the plan and if it doesn't work, try another one.

You will go through this cycle in your marriage over and over again. And how you manage the conflict you will certainly encounter through the years may very well determine the success of your relationship.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #18 - FAILURE TO ANTICIPATE TRIALS

2011-10-20T21:44:00.003-05:00

We received a horrific phone call early one evening from a young couple in our congregation who lived in the neighboring town. The young mother had checked on their three-year-old daughter whom she had put down for a nap earlier and found that the child had accidentally gotten tangled in the cords of the venetian blinds and hung herself. This tragic accident devastated the couple, and the marriage failed.

All of us marry with high hopes, aiming to succeed in our marriages. None of us want to fail in this most important union of our lives. But many of us don't allow ourselves to think about tragedy, illness, death or any number of circumstances that might come our way and shake the very foundations of our families. Ideally, the partners pull together and strengthen each other through the crisis. But many times each one is overwhelmed with feelings of failure, guilt, shame, bitterness and blame, and the marriage comes crashing down.

What makes the difference? Why are some marriages destroyed by a crisis while others work through it and become stronger? Here are some of my observations:

Perspective - Realize that everybody deals with hard times at one time or another. God's not picking on you. You are not cursed. We simply live in a fallen world and have to deal with the conditions of that world.
Attitude - The Scripture tells us to give thanks in all things. This attitude of gratitude carries one a long way in overcoming difficult seasons. I am a two-time cancer survivor. My doctor kept talking about how much courage I had. It wasn't courage; it was faith and gratitude to a heavenly Father whom I knew loved me and would see me through no matter what.
Preparation - Couples who make it through trials are generally prepared. They are prepared somehow financially either with an emergency fund or insurance. They have been building their relationship through communication and demonstrations of love and caring. They are prepared spiritually. God is not just their spiritual aspirin that they call on from time to time. He is the Head of their household, Father, Provider, Comforter, Healer, Counselor, a Very Present Help in Time of Trouble.

Have an honest conversation with your spouse and discuss whether you are prepared if/when trials come. The Psalms tell us that we need to learn how to dig wells in the desert. (Parsons translation :)

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #17 - STICKS & STONES...

2011-10-14T09:27:00.002-05:00

There's an old saying "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words can never hurt me." I'm not so sure that's true.

I was keeping our grandchildren for three weeks while our daughter and husband were on a trip to Africa. The boys, along with their twin cousins, became engaged in an argument, so I sat them down at the breakfast table and placed a paper plate down along with a tube of toothpaste. "Squeeze all of the toothpaste out onto the paper plate." They looked at me, their eyes questioning whether I really meant it or not. "Go ahead. All of it." They enthusiastically dove in, delightfully spreading the gooey toothpaste all over the plate. After they squeezed every last bit out, I pointed to the plate and said, "Now, put the toothpaste back into the tube."

Five pairs of round little eyes looked at me as if I'd asked them to fly to the moon. "There's no way!"

"Exactly. And that's the way harsh words are, guys. Once you've said ugly things to someone, there's no taking them back. So think about what you say."

In the marriage relationship familiarity and stress almost breeds permission to speak unthinkable things to each other. I'm not talking about being transparent here. Certainly we are to be free to express our most intimate thoughts, fears and dreams to our mates. But I'm speaking of spewing angry, harsh insults at each other in the heat of arguments. Or continual put-downs under the guise of humor or otherwise.

I was speaking to a single mom recently divorced from an abusive marriage who told me that she could have taken all the other mistreatment, but it was the daily verbal abuse that finally drove her to divorce. Words have incredible power.

We are called to render a blessing, not an insult (I Peter 2:21-25). A soft answer turns away wrath. (Pro. 15:1). A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver (Pro. 25:11). The Bible has much to say about our words. Let us speak words of life and not death to our mates and our children.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #16 - FAILURE TO ACHIEVE ONENESS

2011-10-07T08:11:00.001-05:00

"And the two shall become one ... " Familiar words from Scripture and from the wedding ceremony, but not easily, nor instantly accomplished. I think perhaps one of the saddest things my husband and I have witnessed as we've grown older is couples our age who have been married 30, 40, even 50 years who either divorce, or have not achieved oneness and live their latter years as married singles. We were eating lunch with one of our daughters yesterday and commented about how many couples we observe in restaurants, young and old, who never talk during their meal. They eat in silence, pay the waitress and leave. We vowed a long time ago that we would never fall into that pattern.

Oneness must be achieved on three levels: 1. Spiritual. 2. Emotional (Psychological). 3. Physical.

1.) SPIRITUAL - Ideally a couple who feel that God might be bringing them together would seek to know each other spiritually first. Are both partners believers? Not only are they believers, but is each one a growing, maturing, walking-with-Jesus believer? Sadly, this is the last area many couples explore when it should be the first. Praying together is one of the most intimate things a couple will do. And I'm not talking about saying grace over a meal. I'm saying praying for daily needs and guidance, for finances, for your relationship and so on. I can't help but feel that couples who don't achieve oneness on this level are the ones who many times end up in divorce court.

2.) EMOTIONAL - This area covers much ground, and again takes a lifetime to achieve. After 50 years, although I know my husband pretty well, I am still learning things about him. Probing questions are a great way to learn about each other. We used to keep a book of questions couples can ask each other in the glove compartment of our car, and when on a trip, we would discuss them. I.e. If money and talent were not an issue, what would you like to do/be? What is your least favorite color and why? What do you remember most about your grandmother? What was your favorite Christmas gift as a child? One time I asked my husband, "Is Jesus as real to you as I am?" That led to one of the most profound spiritual experiences of our lives.

3.) PHYSICAL - If the sexual relationship in marriage is not right, then all the others will be off kilter. I know how old-fashioned it sounds to the modern ear to say that the full-blown physical relationship should be saved until after marriage, but that doesn't make it any less true. The spiritual and emotional components of a relationship should be explored before the physical, but sadly Hollywood has glamorized the sexual relationship as being the most important. Co-habitation is accepted as the norm. We have observed that if the sexual relationship is explored too soon, it is very difficult to develop oneness in the other two areas.

Achieving oneness is a key in a satisfying, fulfilling marriage. And a prize that is worthy of pursuit for the duration of one's marriage.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #15 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE FOUR ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF MARRIAGE

2011-09-30T11:29:00.000-05:00

Years ago I heard Gary Smalley teach that all four of these elements must be present in a marriage. Not one can be left out. If a woman, particularly, doesn't get these four elements in the first years of her marriage, she begins to feel malnourished, emotionally and spiritually.

SECURITY - Security is the main need of a woman, and I'm not simply alluding to financial security. A woman needs to feel that her mate is "taking care of business." Things that need to be done are getting taken care of. Simple things like car maintenance, lawn care, plans for the future (i.e. retirement), etc. It's not that the wife can't assist with the responsibility, but she needs to feel that her husband is protecting her from the stress of worrying about issues. It has been my observation that when a woman feels insecure, that's when she becomes controlling and unsubmissive. She's fearful that if she doesn't take control and take care of issues that are bothering her, they won't get done. Husbands, take care of business so that your wife has a sense of security.
MEANINGFUL COMMUNICATION - You'll notice that I said "meaningful" communication. A man's main need as far as communication is concerned is praise and respect. He needs to have that verbalized by the woman he loves. If a man feels he has what it takes, and the wife communicates that praise to him, he flourishes. The average need for communication in a marriage is an hour a day. I don't feel my husband and I need that much, but we do make a point to communicate with each other each day -- in a meaningful way. True intimacy is fact finding and that is done through meaningful communication.
ROMANTIC, EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES - There must be some effort to plan for romantic, emotional experiences or guess what? The romance will fade. A man needs the sexual outlet, but a woman needs romance. Now I'm a romance writer :) So I'm continually exploring this. A little effort goes a long way with a woman: a card, helping with the housework, a foot/back rub, a special dinner at a nice restaurant, a flower on her pillow. Don't wait for special occasions (don't forget them though!). Do something "just because" some of the time.
PHYSICAL TOUCH - Eighty percent of a woman's touch needs are non-sexual. Gary Smalley says that it takes eight to twelve meaningful non-sexual touches a days to maintain touch needs - a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a touch on the arm. 'Nuf said!

Again, all four of these elements must be present in a marriage. How're you doing?

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #14 - SUBMISSION: FRUSTRATION OR FREEDOM?

2011-09-23T14:29:00.000-05:00

One would initially think this is written for the wives, but hold on. Let's take a look at this submission issue.We are all to be submissive to God and to one another. Most teachers begin a teaching on submission with Ephesians 5:22: Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as (a service) to the Lord. But the verse right above that says: Be subject to one another out of reverence to Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

After years of studying this passage, almost 50 years of marriage, and much bad teaching on the issue, here's what I believe: It's not about us. Both love and submission are about presenting a picture of Jesus to a lost world by how we submit to one another. We must all live under submission and under God's control.

Three key words in the Ephesian passage:

"Head" -- kephale' -- Being in the lead, the first one into battle.
"Be subject to" -- hupotassomai -- Voluntarily, willingly to place oneself at the disposition of.
"Love" -- agapao -- Not so much an emotion as an attitude or action.

The husband bears the responsibility of leading the family, being the point guard, shouldering the burden of the battle -- the commanding officer, so to speak. And both hupotassomai and agapao involve voluntarily giving up one's self-interest to serve and care for another's. Wives are to hupotassomai their husbands; husbands are to agapao their wives.

I've observed couples through the years going through three levels while they sort out the love and submission issue.

Command - The couple knows it's commanded in Scripture, and by golly, they're gonna do it. This level does nothing but produce frustration and legalism.
Cooperation - The couple begins to experience a certain amount of freedom as they walk out Scripture and see that it works.
Celebration - Total freedom and trust in the biblical principle of love and submission and in God's control of the couple's marriage relationship and their testimony to the world.

The truth of Scripture does not bind us up. It sets us free. The enemy would take a principle that is meant to give us freedom and power and make it seem like legalism and frustration. Which is it for you and your spouse? Are you free or are you frustrated?

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #13 - THE COLOR OF MONEY (FINANCES)

2011-09-16T09:13:00.001-05:00

Someone has said that if you want to know where a man's heart lies, look at his check book. Or what about the old saying that you don't mess with a person's money or his kids. Or "For the love of money is the root of all sorts of evil ... " (I Tim 6:10)

The issue of finances in marriage is one of the main areas of conflict. We can have little, just enough to pay the bills or perhaps we are wealthy, but what determines our level of contentment depends on our attitude toward finances. Do we take a worldly view, or God's view?

It's attitude that I'm going to address in this blog -- I'm not skilled in the area of preparing budgets and financial plans. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University for that. My husband and I have never had a lot of money. We've served in ministry nearly all of our marriage, and when we did on occasion make some money on investments or inheritance, God led us to give it away in one aspect or another. But God has always been faithful, and we've had enough.

I believe that has been because we have acknowledged God in these areas:

(1) God owns it all and is an abundant, generous Father. "I have come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly." John 10:10. The Amplified says, "till it overflows."

(2) Giving is central to His plan. I could spend much time here giving testimony, but space does not permit. We have found that giving -- the tithe and the offering -- is the key that unlocks the doors to God's provision. "Give and it shall be given to you ... for whatever measure you deal out to others it will be dealt to you in return."Luke 6:38. Even when we didn't think we could afford to give, we followed His leadership and He would prove to be faithful. Every time!

(3) Stay out of debt. " ... the borrower becomes the lender's slave." Proverbs 22:7

(4) Share the financial authority in your marriage. Here's what I mean -- the husband bears the final responsibility in the authority of the home, but he is not to control his wife and family by controlling the finances. Delegate responsibilities according to giftings. If the wife is better at accounting and keeping the books, delegate that to her. If the husband is better, he should do it. Decide who is to take care of what bills and then submit all finances under the authority of the husband. Work together. Be alert to what causes pressure on your mate and ease that for them. Many women do not like the stress of paying the bills. Take that stress off her, by taking care of it, but keep each other informed as to the status of each of your areas of responsibilities.

Be faithful in your finances, and God will honor that. "He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much." Luke 16:10

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #12 - FANTASY LOVE

2011-09-08T21:20:00.000-05:00

Now I know that some of the romantics reading this blog may disagree with me. And believe me, I know how much women love the idea of romance and being loved, protected and rescued by a knight in shining armor. I do write romance, you know :) But both partners must work hard at nurturing the relationship for the love to grow and develop into mature love or the bloom of that fantasy love soon turns into a wilted flower. Don and Sally Meredith cite the progression of a life without relationship in their Christian Family Life Seminar. Here's what that looks like:

Phase 1 - Fantasy Love - The couple meet and date in circumstances that are idyllic and unreal. Then the couple decides to marry.

Phase 2 - Reality - The realities of life come crashing down - job, finances, weaknesses of each spouse, children, illness, trials, in-laws, etc. Feelings begin to fluctuate. The love that the couple initially experienced disappears or is neutralized, and the couple begin to struggle against each other.

Phase 3 - Compromise - This is the point where the couple either divorce or a compromise relationship characterizes the marriage. They resign themselves to a mediocre relationship. Marriage is not a hope, but a problem. The couple avoid anything negative or unpleasant. A sense of believing that one's mate is a hindrance to personal destiny instead of a support and encouragement. Here is the tragic reality - most seemingly "good marriages" are in reality two successful people doing their own thing.

Phase 4: The Day Of Bitterness - A woman becomes fearful as she ages, and a man hardens as he ages. Instead of the golden years, they become the death years. The two generalize their bitterness toward their children, employer, job or life in general.

It's a tragic cycle, but, as pastors, we found it to be all too common. Ask the Lord to energize your marriage and work hard to avoid this destructive pattern. After being married for nearly 50 years now, I can testify that it's worth it ... and my husband and I are more in love today than we were the day we married basking in the glow of fantasy love.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #11 - THE MYTH OF THE 50/50 RELATIONSHIP

2011-09-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

Most couples do not understand the biblical plan for marriage. They employ society's plan which operates on a 50/50 performance relationship. In a 50/50 relationship:

Acceptance is based on performance. "You do your part, and I'll do mine."
Giving is based upon merit.
Affection is given when deserved.
Feelings are the motivation for action.

The problem with this philosophy is that it is impossible to believe that one's spouse has met you half-way. We all marry with certain unrealistic expectations which our mate will never be able to live up to. Then those weaknesses become the focus of the relationship and hurt will be inflicted upon one another. Hurt paralyzes feelings and results in lower performance ... and the cycle begins all over again.

The biblical pattern is almost opposite of the pattern of the world. Each partner is to give 100 per cent, not based upon performance, but upon simply the fact that he/she is your mate. We give to our spouse not based upon merit, but because we understand that when we give, we receive. Affection is offered, even lavished, because our God loves extravagantly, and we are to love each other extravagantly. Feelings are not the motivation for action, but our commitment to each other and our covenant before God. That creates an atmosphere in which both partners feel safe and secure and are able to function at their highest level to achieve their purpose in life.

Try giving over and above what your mate expects of you this week. Commit it to the Lord and see what happens.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #10 - UNCONTROLLED ANGER

2011-08-25T20:55:00.000-05:00

Anger is a toxic, destructive emotion. When I was growing up, anger in our home was always just below the surface waiting to bubble up and explode, like a volcano rumbling in the distance. We never knew when it would erupt or what would cause the physical outburst. I can remember having severe stomach cramps as a young child because of the tenuous situation at home, and how, as a teenager, I would stay away from home as much as I could. Our home was not a pleasant, productive, emotionally healthy or safe place to be.

In the October 27, 1997, issue of Archives of Internal Medicine, the question was raised, “What specific personality characteristic causes physical illness?” The answer—anger. Furthermore, it is generally agreed in the medical field that holding in anger causes stress and physical illness.
Anger held in, anger handled improperly, develops into a root of bitterness, which we've already addressed. Anger is an emotion we all experience and is not in and of itself wrong. How we respond to it is the key.

We become angry when our expectations are not met. When we become angry about something, whether it is because dinner is late or because one of the spouses feels betrayed, it needs to be addressed and dealt with. And the goal is to reach understanding. A few ground rules might help.

"Help me to understand," spoken softly and with a desire to reconcile accomplishes volumes. We should never attack our mate -- emotionally or physically -- no matter how angry we are.
Treat each other with honor and respect.
Take the time you need to discuss the issue. Never bury the problem thinking it will go away. It won't. It will simply fester into bitterness. That's why the scripture says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph. 4:26). Don’t let it build up. We are not equipped to handle it. Harboring anger takes a toll on us psychologically and physically.
Offer and accept forgiveness.

Healthy marriages know how to work through hard issues, even when we are angry.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #9 - FAILURE TO LAUNCH (LEAVING AND CLEAVING)

2011-08-19T07:16:00.000-05:00

Managing to launch one's life and establish a home and family is difficult these days in our economy. Many parents find their children returning home after college, even with a spouse and children. To depend on one's parents for a short time is not necessarily a bad thing, but to let it develop into a lifestyle is detrimental not only to one's marriage, but to the family unit as a whole. The lines of authority and responsibility become blurry. Privacy issues crop up. Discipline of children becomes difficult. The development of the husband and wife relationship is stilted by the very strong emotional ties that are normally present between parents and children, no matter the age.

In Matthew 19, Jesus addresses divorce and the issue of leaving and cleaving. The two are closely related. To leave means to break away from a dependent relationship in order to form a new relationship. When a husband and wife come together to become one flesh, the old relationship of being under the authority of the parents is left behind. The Hebrew word for leave actually means to abandon, to leave behind, to forsake. The parents move from being in authority over the child to a position of counsel.

“Cleave” means to “stick like glue” to another. It can only be accomplished after leaving. I heard someone say that most marriage problems are either a matter of leaving improperly or cleaving improperly. When I first heard the remark, I was not sure that generalization could be made across the board. However, in our experience, my husband and I find that it certainly is a major issue. I asked a friend who is a marriage and family therapist if he agreed with the allegation. He thought for a moment and then answered in the affirmative. He agreed that many marital problems sprout from this root topic of leaving and cleaving improperly.

Leaving and cleaving is God's pattern for the husband/wife relationship. Although sometimes difficult, God's way is always best.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #8 - LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OF COMMITMENT & COVENANT

2011-08-12T06:50:00.000-05:00

As my husband and I counsel with couples, we inevitably end up talking about commitment. It all boils down to a relationship in which we have agreed to commit our whole being. All the other side issues, although some may be deeply painful and serious, really are just that—side issues. Whether it is love lost, or a wife who doesn't like the lifestyle her husband provides, or a husband who doesn’t understand his wife, or even, in some cases, unfaithfulness, it still boils down to commitment. Is the couple going to honor the commitment, made before God, to stay together until death parts them, despite how arduous it may be to work through the difficulties?

·         In Malachi 2:14, we find God’s view on marriage. In the context of this passage, God is reproving his people for profaning their marriage vows. He calls marriage a "covenant."

·         In Proverbs 2:17, God calls marriage a "covenant."

·         Ezekiel 16:8 says, “…when I saw you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you” … “spreading the corner of my garment” was a symbolic term for the marriage relationship. Then the Lord says, “I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you …”

Marriage, in God’s eyes, is a covenant alliance, but in western culture, we have little understanding of what that means. Coming to the marriage altar is not making a vow, even though we talk of “taking the marriage vows.” Marriage is a covenant, and there is a difference.

A vow may involve only one party. For instance, I can vow to lose ten pounds in time for my high school reunion. I can break that vow to myself. Or a vow may involve two or more and can be broken. But a covenant always involves two or more and is permanently binding. An oath is taken and the covenant is made, never to be broken. Our culture is a contract culture. Contracts are broken on every hand, with little thought to the integrity of one’s name on the dotted line.

The Hebrew word for covenant is berit. It literally meant “a cutting” and came to mean a contract, a will, a league, a testament, or a bond. In ancient cultures, a cutting of the skin actually took place and blood was exchanged to signify the seriousness of the bond (Gen. 15). Sometimes gifts were exchanged (Gen. 21:30) and/or a pile of stones set up (Gen. 31:53). When a couple stands before a minister and promises to live together in covenant until death parts them, that is a solemn occasion. Covenant is not to be taken lightly.

God created us for covenant relationships. Covenant is the avenue by which he has related to his people through the ages—Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses--and the New Covenant, which Jesus cut for us with his blood. Covenant provides the safe environment we need in order to grow and reach our full potential—free from all fear of rejection and betrayal. God designed us for permanent relationships. That’s why we are shattered over broken relationships, whether by death or divorce, or simply a misunderstanding between two parties in a relationship.

In the Jewish culture, even the betrothal or engagement period is secured in covenant. If we try to build a marriage-type relationship outside of covenant, we are very insecure. We build walls of emotional defense around ourselves. Intimacy is difficult, if not impossible.

Satan hates covenant. He will fight to destroy covenant relationships more than almost anything else. He wants to see Christian marriages topple. He hates intimate community among believers. He loves to stir up discord among believers. That is because he knows the power of the testimony of covenant relationships to the glory of God.

It is God's desire that we enter marriage understanding that it is a holy covenant, not to be broken. It is for our good, and the good of the Kingdom.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #7 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE NEEDS OF MATE

2011-08-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

Several years ago Mel Gibson starred in a movie entitled "What Women Want." In this whimsical comedy, by way of a quirky accident, Gibson suddenly is able to read the thoughts of women and therefore, detect what they really want. The movie was funny -- at times -- but made a point I believe strikes home. The male/female differences are so huge that it takes much focus and commitment to come to an understanding.

Our church sponsors Dr. Emerson Eggerich's compelling Love and Respect series twice a year for couples. It's one of the most practical courses in marriage we've ever been through. His entire premise addresses these two issues. Women need/want love; men need/want respect. And if they do not receive it from their spouse, as Dr. Eggerich puts it, "It's like one's air hose is being stepped on."

It's right there in Ephesians 5:33: "Let each man of you (without exception) love his wife as being in a sense his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband." The conundrum, of course, is how to do that. In a very real sense each partner is trying to understand the other who is speaking a foreign language. We need to learn to interpret what our spouse needs.

When a woman feels unloved, she shuts down. When a man feels disrespected, he becomes angry. And the walls begin to rise between the two mates. These walls can grow for years until "suddenly" one mate (usually the woman) declares, "I'm not happy," and she takes off for the divorce lawyer, leaving a stunned husband behind. In the United States, over two-third of divorces are officially initiated by women. (Brian Wilcox, Christianity Today, 11/13/2006).

"Love and Respect" -- those are the genuine needs of our spouses. Ask your husband this week ... Do you feel respected by me? or Ask your wife ... Do you feel genuinely loved? Listen intently to the answer. It may save your marriage.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #6 - LACK OF COMMUNICATION

2011-07-29T07:41:00.000-05:00

I suppose everyone would agree that learning to communicate as husband and wife is a major component of a good, healthy marriage. Some of the difficulties in communication lie in the male/female differences. And some of them lie in personality differences. Learning to communicate to try to understand one's mate -- not to win an argument or prove a point -- is a major step toward closing that communication gap.

There are five levels of communication that we move through when we interact with each other:

Cliché - This is the barest level of interacting with another. This is the "How are you? Fine" level. You really find out nothing about the other person, nor were you expecting to do so. Some people never learn to move beyond this level.
Facts - At this level, you discover a little more, but not much. "How are you? Fine, but I'm really hungry."
Opinions - At the opinion level we begin to delve a little deeper. "How are you? Fine, but I'm really hungry. I'd like to go out to eat."
Feelings - Here we begin to know more about the person. "How are you? Fine, but I'm really hungry. I'd like to go out to eat, but something I found out is troubling me."
Needs/Values - At this point the person reveals, verbally and non-verbally, some of their deeper thoughts, needs. The person may go on to reveal that he just received a bad report at the doctor, and he's scared. Or that a friend has passed away, and he is sad. Or that his business partner has betrayed him, and he's mad. Now the spouse needs to be able to communicate his vulnerability and what he needs ... a hug, help, to go to the pastor, etc.

Until one learns to communicate on the 5th level, neither spouse is truly able to know and understand their partner.

Here are some steps to Good Communication:

Recognize differences and build on each other's strengths.
Find time to talk – listen and don’t attack. Anger shuts communication down.
Admit when you are wrong and apologize.
Encourage and praise one another.
Work at growing spiritually – individually and together.

Good communication takes mutual effort and time, but will pay huge dividends as the years go by.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #5 - SECRETS

2011-07-21T21:23:00.000-05:00

“I need to talk to you.” I was resting comfortably in our bedroom. My husband of thirty-five years sat down on the edge of the bed, and I knew from the serious look on his face that something was terribly wrong. My mother’s heart began to pound, fearing a tragedy in our family.

“What’s wrong?”

“This isn’t going to be easy – and it is going to be painful.”

I waited.

“I have kept a secret from you all these years - and I feel it has kept me from being completely open, honest and free toward you. I want to break the power this secret has held over me – and us.”

He paused, sighed, looked down and then began. The words came slowly as he told me that he lied to me during our engagement about an issue of importance. I was totally shocked. I was devastated. I felt betrayed - and I was angry.

It took us a few weeks, but we worked through it and our marriage is all the stronger for it now.

Dr. Claudia Black writes in Psychology Today that a secret is only information, but it's what the family does to conceal that information that is so harmful. Once a secret is in the open, there will most probably be hurt in the beginning, but it no longer holds power over you after that.

From the spiritual perspective, when we keep a secret, thus not being transparent with our spouse, we give the enemy a opening into our lives, because we are living a lie. It compounds into more lies, deceit, and cover-ups.

When we do pre-marital counseling now, we explore this area to make sure there are no secrets on either side so that the couple can enter the marriage relationship clean and free. The enemy will whisper to you that it was so long ago, forgotten, behind you. It won't do any good to stir that up anymore. He's a liar. Let me encourage you to consider revealing any secrets you might have hidden away in a dark closet of your heart from your spouse. Do it with much love and discretion. But have the moral and spiritual courage to put an end to the crippling effects of a secret. Put it under the cleansing blood of Jesus and let him wash it away.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #4 - PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES

2011-07-14T21:17:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that your spouse is different from you? And I'm not even speaking here of male/female differences, which are huge, but I'm talking about personality temperament differences. Not wrong, just different.

My husband and I are opposites in nearly every way, and it took us years to learn to be tolerant of each other's personality differences. He likes for things to be peaceful and laid back. He likes to have fun ... if it's not too much trouble, but he'd be just as happy staying home and watching a movie or ball game. He's a very content man.

I, on the other hand, like to get things done -- on time and perfect. I become very stressed if I'm told to just blow something off or not to let something bother me. I'm always striving for more and better.
You can tell that right away that we had a rocky time of it until we learned to accept each other and our opposing personalities.

Basically, we all are born with a certain temperament. Of course, space limits me here of going into a full explanation of the four types, but in a nutshell we have:

The Popular Sanguine - Wants a "fun" marriage. Is spontaneous, flexible, forgiving, compromising. But is messy, lacks planning skills, lacks budgeting, accounting and retirement planning.
The Powerful Choleric - Wants an "active" marriage. Is goal oriented, has high aspirations, is a firm parent, champions causes. Has control issues, is often over-committed, strong leader.
The Peaceful Phlegmatic - Wants a "relaxed" marriage. Is stable, agreeable, content, patient with children. Lacks planning skills, low accomplishment, doesn't like conflict.
The Perfect Melancholy - Maintains a neat home, is a long-range planner, punctual, values education, committed, loving and protective of children. Is critical, can tend to be depressed, can be negative, high expectations of self and others.

So here I am -- a Perfect Melancholy/Powerful Choleric woman married to a Peaceful Phlegmatic/Popular Sanguine husband. Oh, my! Did we ever have our differences. And add to the mix the fact that biblically I was to be submissive to my husband with all the strong personality traits that God had given me.We struggled for years with these issues.

Well, the first step in dealing with these differences is to recognize that they are very real. Just because your spouse is different, doesn't mean that he or she is wrong. Recognize that God has brought you together for a reason -- differences and all. Why not pray together tonight thanking God for those differences and asking Him to help you maneuver through that mine field?

BTW, I am a certified Personality Trainer with ChristianLeadersAuthorsSpeakersServices. If you'd like a program for your women's ministry or couples in your church, give us a call. And if you leave a comment this week, you'll be eligible to win Marita Littauer's book Love Extavagantly where she deals with the modern marriage and the personalities.

Blessings!

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #3 - LACK OF HONOR & RESPECT - PART 2

2011-07-08T04:11:00.000-05:00

I want to camp on this issue of honor and respect another week and expand it. A visiting pastor from our church plant in Norman, OK, spoke on honor within the church community a few weeks ago, and he touched on some points that were profound, actually. I want to transfer that to the marriage relationship.

He said that honor is celebrating who our (spouse) is without stumbling over who they are not. Whoa! Doesn't the familiarity of the marriage relationship begin to highlight everything our spouse is not rather than the dignity of who they are? Romans 12:10: "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another."

Honor is not just the right words; it is a heart attitude. When a woman feels honored in her home, her spirit unfolds like a flower opening up. If she doesn't, her spirit will close.

God calls us up before he calls us down. Take a look at all the biblical characters and how God dealt with them. He called them up, gave them an identity before passing judgment for their actions, Abraham, Moses, Gideon, etc. Focus on calling your spouse up -- "You've got what it takes to lead this family." "I know you can do it, honey." "Boy, the boss sure knew what he was doing when he gave you the promotion." It's always easy to call people down, to criticize, to judge. Focus on call forth the positive.

The world is shouting to us who we are not. We, as believers, should shout louder than the world as to who we really are.

Who are the people in your life you need to honor this week?

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #3 - LACK OF HONOR & RESPECT

2011-06-30T22:56:00.000-05:00

A member of our congregation asked us a few years back if this was a second marriage for us. Rather surprised, I answered “No! We’ve been married for many years. Why did you assume this was a second marriage?” Her reply was revealing. “You all treat each other with such respect and love that I thought this must be a second marriage.”

Men particularly have a need for respect, and we will deal with that in a later session, but what we are discussing this week is the general concept of honor in a marriage.

Gary Smalley spends a whole session in his Keys to Happiness in Marriage series on honor and respect. He holds up a beat-up violin and makes the point that no one would be very impressed with that shabby instrument—unless he mentioned the name Stradivarius. Then gasps of awe and honor spread throughout the auditorium. He challenges husbands and wives to have that same sense of honor for each other. Our spouse is a gift that God has given us, and we should treat him/her with honor.

Here are 5 ways that we dishonor our spouses:

(1) Frequent and/or public criticism. Nothing is more embarrassing than for a spouse to criticize his/her mate in public. And nothing is more honoring than for a spouse to build up, praise and encourage a spouse in public.

(2) By putting your needs before your spouse's. (Selfishness again.)

(3) By not acknowledging the hurts and pain of one's spouse. In years past when my feelings got hurt, my husband used to tell me, “Blow it off.” Finally he realized that my temperament is not the sort that can “blow it off.” I need to talk about it, and then I can let it go, but I have to talk about it first. I don’t need advice at that point. Women particularly need a listening ear acknowledging the hurt.

(4) Outbursts of anger. Speak softly when disagreements arise. Anger toward one's spouse is demeaning and counter-productive.

(5) Putting others before your spouse. Your spouse is your priority.

As we pray with couples who are having marital problems, I have witnessed the effect which a lack of honor and respect have on both husbands and wives. Their countenance is gloomy. They have a “hang-dog” look. Laughter seldom bubbles forth from their souls. The opposite is true of those couples who give honor and respect to one another. They laugh often. Their eyes shimmer with optimism. The husband exhibits a confidence of leadership. The wife’s spirit opens like a full-blooming rose.

Four ways to instill honor in your marriage:

(1) Build each other up and encourage one another. We all need “atta-boys.”

(2) Help your spouse find his/her destiny and giftings.

(3) Cover and protect one another. Don't expose one another's shortcomings.

(4) Acknowledge your differences and accept them. Do even more than accept them - celebrate them!

“Show respect for all men – treat them honorably.” (I Peter 2:7 (Amp).

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #2 - BITTERNESS & UNFORGIVENESS

2011-06-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

At nearly every conference or retreat where I speak, the issue of bitterness and unforgiveness rears its ugly head. Many of us go through our marriages following what I call the “pouch philosophy” of life. We carry an invisible pouch around with us and as our mate’s insensitive words and destructive behavior inflict wounds upon us, we tuck the hurt away in our pouches to await an opportune moment to pull them out and hurl them back. The problem with that kind of philosophy is that as we collect those insidious injuries, they are not lying dormant in the pouch. They are alive, growing, festering into bitterness and eating away at us like an undetected cancer. And like an undetected cancer, if not dealt with and removed, it will kill us.

If we want to walk in the fullness of Jesus’ mercy and grace, we don’t have an option. Jesus said if we want the Father’s forgiveness we must forgive one another (Matt. 6:14-15). But it is not always simple. Let’s look at what forgiveness means and what it does not mean.

1. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not an emotion. Forgiveness involves choosing to release the offense and the offender to God. The Greek word for forgiveness in the New Testament is aphiaymi, which means to abandon, let go, send away. When I learned that truth, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt I could do that. It meant I did not have to feel like forgiving. What I had to do was release it to the Lord.

2. Forgiveness means canceling the liability. The offender owes you nothing. The debt has been paid. Oswald Chambers says, Forgiveness is the divine miracle of grace…it cost God the cross of Jesus Christ before he could forgive sin. When once you realize all that it cost God to forgive you, you will be held as in a vice, constrained by the love of God.

Jesus paid the debt. How can we hold a brother’s or sister’s feet to the fire of unforgiveness when Jesus so freely forgave us?

3. Forgiveness means giving up any reproach. No critical conversation, public or private about the person or the issue. It’s over, finished, done with. When our daughters were growing up and were told “No” about an issue, they knew they were not allowed to beg. We would tell them, “The discussion is over.” They knew better than to pursue it. That is how it is with forgiveness. The discussion is over.

4. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. God doesn’t expect us to develop spiritual amnesia. But it does mean letting the offense go—not holding it against the offender. When the Scripture says God remembers our sins no more, it means he holds them against us no more. We do not forget. We simply choose to remember it against the offender no more.

The only way to break free from the hurts and wounds and offenses of life is to release them, not in the heat of anger, but in the soothing balm of forgiveness. The institution of marriage probably gives us the greatest opportunity to fine-tune the skills needed to function in the arena of forgiveness. Gary Thomas says he believes that “one of marriage’s primary purposes is to teach us how to forgive.”

I have witnessed an 80-year-old woman give up a bitter offense of 40 years and get free. I've seen an abused woman forgive her husband and walk out free. I've also seen a bitter divorcee tell me that she didn't care who told her she had to forgive, she would never forgive. She left the retreat bound up and bitter.

Simply let it go. It's not an issue of being right or wrong -- it's an issue of being obedient to Jesus and trusting Him for the results. The emotions won't go away immediately, but as we walk in obedience to the Word, the hurt and bitterness will eventually leave and your marriage can flourish in freedom.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #1 SELFISHNESS

2011-06-16T22:25:00.000-05:00

WELCOME to our discussion on 31 Ways To Mess Up Your Marriage. I hope you will leave a comment or question. We'll be here very Friday for several weeks. Now to Reason #1 - SELFISHNESS.

The afterglow from a marriage conference lingered as my husband and I drove away from the conference center. Marriages had been healed, renewed and restored. Although we were emotionally drained from leading the conference, we chatted energetically about the weekend.

“What, in your opinion, is the number one problem in marriage?” I asked my husband.

He responded quickly, “Without a doubt—selfishness.”

I have thought about his answer many times since that day. Selfishness seems to be the hub, the epicenter, the bull’s-eye, of all the other problems we encounter in marriage. We want what we want, when we want it. And we will do whatever we have to do to make it happen.

In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas says, “One of the great spiritual challenges for any Christian is to become less self-absorbed. We are born intensely self-focused. The discipline of Christian marriage calls us into the Christian reality of sharing and enjoying fellowship in a uniquely intimate way. Maintaining an interest in and empathy for someone else is by no means an easy discipline to maintain, but it is a vital one. It is a skill that must be learned.”

For instance, consider some of the common battlegrounds in marriage: finances, sex, power struggles, in-laws. Nine times out of ten, the ugly monster of self will rear its formidable head.

A young, exceptionally attractive mother sat in our office with tears brimming near the surface of her eyes. She tossed her long black hair away from her face and toyed with the large expensive silver earrings. Her tan, slender, athletic body gave her the appearance of a much younger woman than she actually was. She could have passed for a teenager.

“I don’t love Mike anymore. I want to have a nice home and pretty things. I want our children to be in good schools and have expensive clothes and cars. All Mike cares about is working at the shop. He will never make enough there to give us what we want. I just can’t stay any longer. The feelings are gone.”

“That really is not the issue here.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

I looked into her dark eyes. “Jennifer, do you know Jesus?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “I was raised in a Christian home with wonderful Christian parents, and I was saved as a child.”

“Do you want God’s best for your life, and that of your family?”

I shall never forget the look she gave me as she struggled with that question. I continued, “If you do, there is reason to expect God to work supernaturally in your relationship with your husband. I can tell you from experience that if you are willing to sacrifice and commit to working through some hard issues, God will do a work in your marriage. God can restore your love for your husband—more love than you had before. I know because, that’s how he worked in our marriage. Your marriage can be more exciting and stronger than ever, but it will take commitment, and it will take some time.”

“How much time?”

“I don’t know. I can’t say. It may take years, but God is faithful.” And I repeated the question, “Do you truly want God’s best?”

A long pause followed. “I-I’m not sure I would like God’s best. No, I guess I can’t say that I truly want God’s best.”

I wanted to say, “Well, there’s the door. Go ahead and try it your way, but you are headed down a dead-end street.” Instead, I simply shook my head.

“Jennifer, you profess to know Jesus as your Savior and God as your Father. You claim to be one of his children. You have a free will, and he will allow you to live whatever lifestyle you choose. He will allow you to take your inheritance and leave home, as he did the prodigal son in Scripture. But you need to know that for a daughter of the heavenly Father to choose to live outside of his will—his best—is foolish in the least and possibly even risky and dangerous. Your heavenly Father loves you too much to allow you to sin successfully. He is full of mercy and compassion and will welcome you with open arms when and if you decide to return home.”

She listened intently. We prayed together and she left. My husband and I visited with them as a couple a few more times with little progress. Eventually, Jennifer took their children, left Mike and moved away. He was devastated. We have not seen Jennifer in several years. I understand she is living with a well-to-do man and has her children in a private school. Selfishness destroyed this marriage.

We heard a Bible teacher describe selfishness this way: “Get all you can. Can all you get. Sit on the lid. And poison the rest.” We want all the goodies the world has to offer, and we go after them to satisfy our selfish desires, trying at the same time to maintain a Christian lifestyle. The two diametrically opposed value systems—self vs others—will eventually collide, and lives and marriages will be shattered in the process. We feel we know what is best for our own lives, regardless of what God says is best.

WHAT GOD SAYS: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Ph. 2:3-4)

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE (AND HOW TO AVOID THEM)

2011-06-13T18:17:00.000-05:00

Join us here every Friday for a discussion on marriage issues with Golden who has led marriage conferences for over 30 years along with her husband, Blaine. Feel free to join in the discussion and leave comments. Hope to see you then!

PRISONER FINALIST IN BOOK OF THE YEAR CONTEST!!

2011-05-31T15:39:00.000-05:00

We are very excited to announce that Prisoner of Versailles is a finalist in the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association Golden Scroll Novel of the Year contest! The winner will be announced July 10 in Atlanta, GA, at AWSA's annual contest.

HIS STEADFAST LOVE COVER!!

2011-02-01T14:56:00.000-06:00

I am so pleased with the cover that Thomas Nelson has designed for my fourth novel, His Steadfast Love. It depicts accurately the conflict between the North and the South as a nation, and between the protagonist, Amanda Irene Bell, her brother, a Confederate soldier, and her sweetheart, a Union officer. It will release September 2011. Be looking for it!

DON'T LET STRESS STEAL YOUR CHRISTMAS!

2010-12-17T12:01:00.000-06:00

Decorate the house!
Put up the tree!
Bake the cookies!
Make the candy!
Buy the gifts!
Wrap the gifts!
Go to pageant rehearsal!
Clean the house!
Purchase a last-minute gift!
Hostess the party!
Clean up after the party!
Take goodies to neighbors!
Pageant performance!
Take goodies to cast party!
Home for Christmas Eve - cook dinner!
Travel to Grandma's house or stay home and cook Christmas dinner!
Clean up ...

Argh! Where do I get off this merry-go-round? Did you know that the Christmas holidays are listed on psychologists' lists of major stressors in our lives? And I think particularly for women this is true.

My husband and I led a workshop a couple of weeks ago on handling holiday stress at a bank in a neighboring town. I found myself in a stressful mode even as I helped lead that workshop because I had neglected to get a stocking made for the new granddaughter-in-law in the family this year.

My mother-in-law started the tradition when my husband was a little boy. They are beautiful velvet stockings with sequined figures ... involving much time in making. I inherited the tradition and have made one for every new member of the family the first Christmas they are in the family. And I just forgot to do this new one! What was I going to do? I decided not to stress over it, and simply get as much done on it as I could.

That stocking is not priority at Christmas. Celebrating the birth of Jesus, Our Savior, is priority. Enjoying and thanking him for the blessing of family is priority. Telling your family how much you love them is priority. As for the other "stuff," it will either get done or it won't ... and if it doesn't, it isn't a tragedy. So, you don't get Aunt Minnie's favorite cookies made. Oh, well ...

A few practical hints:
1. Do as much ahead of time as you can. I shop sales all year, and I always buy my wrapping paper, bags, ribbon and tissue at the after-Christmas sales. Also a good time to buy Christmas decorations when they go on 75% off!

2. Take time for yourself. Sit down between tasks and rest for five minutes. Put on some Christmas music and put your feet up.

3. Realize that everything won't be perfect. Stress occurs when expectations are not met. We live in an imperfect world and from time to time things are going to go wrong. Especially with all the members of an extended family together. Our family is very tight-knit and loving ... but this past Thanksgiving two of our teen-age grandsons got in a fight in the back yard. It all ended well, but there was a bit of tension for a few minutes. Don't let little "uh-ohs" spoil the season.

4. If you are alone and lonely at this season, reach out to the needy. The Salvation Army always needs people to help serve their Christmas dinner. Help distribute gifts through one of your local organizations. Don't sit at home and be sad. This is a season for Joy! You will find your depression lifting as you give to others.

5. Take time to worship. For over thirty years I directed or co-directed a Christmas production ... all the way from a mega-church major event to a small pageant at a camp. But sometimes I got so busy with costuming and sets and lighting that I forgot to worship. I'm not doing the directing these days, and I must say that I am enjoying that freedom! But whether you are involved as a spectator or a participant, focus on worshiping the Lord at this wonderful time of year.

The holidays needn't overwhelm you. Take a deep breath and enjoy them as you prioritize and walk through the season a step at a time.

Have a blessed Christmas!

LIVE ONLINE CHRISTMAS BOOK SIGNING BASH!

2010-11-26T10:46:00.000-06:00

The Christian Review of Books in conjunction with CrossPurposes Bookstore is excited to announce the first annual Christmas Book Signing Bash.
Beginning on the day after Thanksgiving and lasting ten days (26 November-7 December), this book signing will be an unprecedented online event. 75 of today’s favorite Christian Authors have come together to answer questions, chat with their readers, and offer signed copies of their books—all without leaving the comforts of home and hearth!

Readers can search by author, title, or genre at the Christian Review of Books(http://www.christianreviewofbooks.com/) and then follow the purchase links to CrossPurposes Bookstore (www.CrossPurposesBooks.com) and buy autographed copies of each book featured. The authors will sign the books and ship them to the customers.

For a full list of participating authors, visit the CRoB.

FIFTEEN MOVIES I'VE WATCHED MORE THAN ONCE

2010-11-15T09:51:00.000-06:00

Let's do something fun! Here's my list of 15 movies I've watched more than once. Add yours in the comments.

1. Gone With The Wind
2. The Wizard of Oz
3. Glory
4. Somewhere In Time
5. Avatar
6. Camelot
7. Lord of the Rings
8. Chronicles of Narnia, "The Lion, The Witch And the Wardrobe"
9. First Knight
10. Age of Innocence
11. Time To Kill
12. The Way We Were
13. The Unsinkable Molly Brown
14. The Man In The Iron Mask
15. The Red Shoes

THE MASTER'S WALL

2010-11-11T08:24:00.000-06:00

This biblical fiction that was just released last week is one for which I had been asked to write an endorsement. I read the book, and gladly endorsed it. Sandi Rog's writing is skilled and the story of David, a Hebrew enslaved by a Roman master, and the daughter, Alethea, is well crafted. The love that develops between David and Alethea, and the sacrifices that David makes in her behalf, are a touching illusion to the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. The book is a wonderful read, with characters that will stay with you.

However, I am posting this review on my blog to ask for your help for Sandi Rog. The day the book released she was told that she had a malignant brain tumor, complications, as I understand, from the medication that she had taken for MS. Needless, to say, this was quite a blow. Sandi is a young mother of four children and needs our prayer covering.

Her publisher, DeWard Publishing, has agreed to pay her family $1 above her regular royalties to help out with expenses. Please consider purchasing the book. It is available on Amazon and through her web site at http://www.sandirog.com/.

Thanks for your help.

GOD SURPRISE!

2010-09-30T07:23:00.000-05:00

I just love it when God does things like this.

Monday on our way to the coast where my next book is set during the Civil War, we stopped by a couple of houses,which were built pre-Civil War and moved inland after a hurricane in 1886 that destroyed Indianola. We went to the historical society office and made some inquiries. We drove by a house that I thought suited my setting, but no one was there. We took a few pictures of the exterior and went on to Port LaVaca where we've been spending the week. Here are some pictures of the exterior.

Of course, that's me on the steps, but that was as close as we could get. And I'm not very bold about these kinds of things :)

On a return trip yesterday from site seeing around the area, at the urging of our friends, the Baileys, and praying for God to make a way for me to see the interior of the house, we drove by again and a handsome man with a head full of white hair was standing outside talking to some workmen. We approached him -- he was the owner and very graciously invited us in to see the house!

When I walked in the front door, I experienced something I cannot explain except maybe to other authors. It was the house in my book. Exactly how I had pictured and written it, with a few minor details. What a good time we had, and how grateful I am for that experience! Thank you, sir, for your gracious hospitality and permission to take these pictures, and thank you, Lord, for opening the door.

Feast your eyes on this fabulous house ...

INDIANOLA BEACH

2010-09-29T09:17:00.000-05:00

Spending the day on the beach, collecting seashells and eating a picnic lunch with the cool sea breeze blowing is not a bad way to pass the time doing research :) It was a very informative as well as pleasant day yesterday exploring the deserted site of Indianola.

The town was originally the second largest seaport in Texas, second only to Galveston, and was captured and occupied by the Federal forces during the Civil War. Two hurricanes, one in 1875, then another in 1886, destroyed the town and they never rebuilt it. All that remains are about thirty vacation homes and some bait houses.

But the trip was extremely helpful in getting a feel for the terrain, flora and fauna. Folks at the Calhoun County Museum were most accommodating and forthcoming with material.

The only negative of the whole day was during our visit to the Indianola cemetery. We were literally attacked by swarms of mosquitoes. We've never experienced anything like that. Although we had sprayed ourselves with repellent, they were lighting by the dozens and biting us through our clothing, on our heads, every possible spot. Not something I want to do again!.

But the day ended with a lovely dinner at an oceanside restaurant, viewing a beautiful sunset. We are told that dolphins frequent the bay. Would love to see some. Maybe today!

SEARCHING FOR INDIANOLA

2010-09-28T08:35:00.000-05:00

My husband and I, and our dear friends, Joe and Gayle Bailey, have taken a trip to the coast of Texas this week doing research for my next book which is set during the Civil War in Indianola, TX. Indianola was a major port, second only to Galveston, during the War Between the States, and was one of the only towns in Texas that was captured and occupied by Union troops. That was the reason I chose it.

The town of Indianola was destroyed by hurricanes in the late 1800's and was never rebuilt, but some of the original homes were moved to Victoria and Cuero. We spent yesterday visiting some of those homes.

Today we're going down to the site itself. Follow along as we tour this part of our Texas of which I was only vaguely aware up until my research for this book

AND THE WINNER IS ....... KARENK!!!

2010-09-07T07:51:00.000-05:00

Melanie will be contacting you for your snail mail address soon. Congratulations!

MELANIE DICKERSON

2010-08-30T09:52:00.000-05:00

I am so THRILLED to be able to have Melanie Dickerson on my blog today! Melanie is an author friend whom we all knew would one day see her books published, and who prayed with her through the ups and downs of that journey. Her debut novel, The Healer's Apprentice, (Zondervan) will be released this week. How exciting! Leave a comment for a chance to win a copy of this beautiful book.

Tell us about your families – and I always like to hear how you met your hubby.

Hi, Golden! Thanks SO MUCH for having me on your blog!

I have a husband and two daughters, one in middle school and one in elementary. I stay at home and write. I met my husband at church when I was in Memphis attending a missionary training program. I wasn’t looking for a relationship—I thought I was going to marry a missionary! After we started dating, I went to Ukraine on a one-year commitment. Then Joe came over on a short mission trip with some people from his church. We had been calling and writing letters and it just became too hard to be apart, so he decided to come back to Ukraine to stay. We got married in Ukraine after he’d been there a month and I had been there six months. It was an interesting start to a marriage!

Do you have any formal education as far as writing is concerned – a degree in English, creative writing, etc?

No, my degree is in Special Education of the Hearing Impaired, and I taught for three and a half years, with a year spent in Ukraine, and then I quit to have my first child. But when I was in high school I made no secret of the fact that I wanted to be a writer and I loved writing. I actually had a very supportive principal in high school, Roger Speed, who won a creative writing grant from the University of Alabama so that I and my 11th grade class could get instruction from a creative writing teacher from the U of A. I always appreciated Mr. Speed for that.

Tell us about your current/upcoming releases, and also about any other books that you’ve had published.

My debut novel, The Healer’s Apprentice, is published by Zondervan as a Young Adult romance and was released this month. It’s a historical, set in medieval 14th century Germany, with a wonderful castle and medieval town as the main setting. It’s full of intrigue and plot twists, deception and loyalty, but most of all, romance!

When I was a teen-ager I devoured books about medieval times. I loved them! Ivanhoe was a favorite as was The Black Rose by Thomas Costain. Camelot, First Knight and Robin Hood are some of my favorite movies. Just saw the new Robin Hood with Russell Crowe and loved it. So I was surprised to hear bantered around the publishing circles that “medievals don’t sell.” I think you all are proving that to be false. Would you comment on that?

Ivanhoe was one of my all-time favorites! I loved Robin Hood as well, and knights and castles fascinated me immensely.

Apparently a common belief in Christian publishing circles is that Christians don’t want to read about the middle ages. Religiously, it was such a different time. But I think that makes it all the more appropriate in which to set a story. I like to write the characters as people of their time: They believe in God, they follow the rules and regulations of their church. But there are lots of opportunities to show what it looks like when God is in their hearts and part of their daily lives. Many publishers may think readers only want either contemporary stories set in America, or the ever-popular nineteenth-century America, i.e. prairie romance. Personally, I think people are ready for something different! I hope so, anyway!

If you could time-travel back to the medieval era, would you?

Um, no. I like my comfortable life! Although I don’t think life was as hard in medieval times as most people seem to think (there are a lot of myths about life in the middle ages) I still would be really lost! Unless I were a rich noble. Then it might be fun. I’d love to wear the beautiful dresses and live in a castle!
On a trip to the British Isles several years ago, I was impressed by the ruggedness of the castles. How in the world did the women maneuver those steps in the huge skirts they wore? Have any of you visited the castles of Europe? And what were your impressions?

Alas, I haven’t done much castle exploring in person, but I do imagine the numerous steps would be something the women would have to be cautious about. Castles weren’t built for comfort, they were built for protection and for war or the anticipation of war. So I would say the women learned to deal with that and so much more.

I also like to peek in on an author’s writing schedule. Do you have a set schedule? Do you have to work around a full-time job as well?

I’m a stay-at-home mom. When my younger daughter was in preschool, I would drop her off and drive straight home and write until it was time to pick her up, around lunch time. I still write when they’re in school, mostly. I do squeeze in computer time in the evenings as well, and in the summer time I manage to find some time to write, most days. A good day is when I don’t have any errands to run, I don’t have other tasks or responsibilities hanging over my head, and I can just write and write until my girls get home from school.

What are the challenges you face in meeting your deadlines?

So far I haven’t had many deadlines! I did get my first major edits during Spring Break week when my kids were out of school and I was trying to do lots of activities with them. I just did my best to squeeze in time to work on my edits until they were back in school. Also, when I was on a deadline, I would ask my kids to please understand that I HAD to finish my edits. They were very good about letting me work, for the most part, although I did get a little complaining, especially when dinner was more of an after-thought than a planned meal for a few nights in a row!

Can I ever relate to dinner being an "after-thought" rather than a planned meal, but my husband is wonderful. He just figures something out as I'm typing away in my office!
Tell us what in your book makes it distinctively Christian. Is there a conversion scene? Does the main character grow spiritually? Is the gospel embedded in the text? Simply written from a Biblical world view?

There are no conversion scenes. It’s more that it’s simply written from a Biblical world view. But the main characters are very strong in their belief of God and conscientiously strive to follow him. Also, the reader will probably be able to find the gospel message embedded in one particular subplot, and God definitely shows up in big ways, especially at the end.

I always like to ask a kind of silly question at the end of an interview. So here’s yours: What’s your favorite food, and your least favorite food?

I love food. Chocolate has to be my favorite. But I also love vegetables, being a daughter of the Deep South. I love summer squash, okra, peas and butterbeans still green and fresh from the garden, home-grown tomatoes, fried potatoes … that’s comfort food for me. Least favorite food? Let’s see … I haven’t eaten any since I was a little girl, but I once tried rutabagas and thought they were the yuckiest things in the world. I couldn’t imagine anyone liking them! I also don’t like most fruits very much … something about the texture.

And speaking of food, I asked Melanie for a medieval recipe and here's what she sent. Sounds interesting :)

Lombardy Custard

From the book, Christmas Feasts from History, by Lorna Sass. This is from the Medieval chapter. A quote from the book: “This spicy fruited custard was served at King Richard II’s feast given with the Duke of Lancaster on September 23, 1387.”

Melanie says: I am going to make this, but I plan to leave out the “crumbled raw bone marrow.” Yeah. I think I can do without it, even though the author says you can simply ask your butcher to “hack open a beef bone so that you can easily get at the marrow.”

9-inch uncooked pie pastry shell

15 each pitted prunes and dates, cut into small pieces

2 Tablespoons raw bone marrow, crumbled

3 Tablespoons finely minced parsley

1 cup heavy cream

2 Tablespoons brown sugar

2 eggs, lightly beaten

Pinch salt

¾ teaspoon dried orange peel

1 teaspoon cinnamon

Pinch mace

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Bake the pie pastry at 425 for 10 minutes. Set it aside to cool.

Line the pie crust with the dried fruits. Distribute bone marrow and parsley evenly over the fruit.

Combine the remaining ingredients in a bowl. Beat until thoroughly blended. Pour the mixture over the fruits in the crust.

Bake at 375 degrees for 30 to 40 minutes, or until the custard is set and the top is brown.

Let cool for about 5 minutes before serving.

Hmmm, I think I'd leave out the bone marrow as well! And add a lot more sugar. Thanks, Melanie, for your time and thoughtful answers to the questions. And we eagerly await being able to read "The Healer's Apprentice!"

OPEN RESPONSE TO ANNE RICE

2010-08-12T09:38:00.000-05:00

For those who care, and I understand if you don't: Today I quit being a Christian. I'm out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being "Christian" or to being part of Christianity. It's simply impossible for me to "belong" to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten . . . years, I've tried. I've failed. I'm an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else. Anne Rice 8/11/10

Ms. Rice,

My husband and I are both pastors, and as such have been devastated by the judgment, criticism, quarrelings, apathy and sometimes plain meanness of fellow believers. I don't know anyone who has been a member of a church for any length of time who hasn't been hurt.

There have been times that I've wanted to quit and walk away as well. The problem is that Jesus calls us as a people, a community, to demonstrate to the world who he is. We cannot severe ourselves from the Bride of Christ without damaging our relationship with him. Christian means one who follows Christ, and our mandate is very clear that we are to follow him in community, not in isolation.

The Scripture speaks more about loving each other than it does about loving him. It tells us that if we say we love God and don't love our brothers (and sisters) in Christ that we are liars and the truth is not in us.

Ms. Rice, I understand your frustration and hurt. Please forgive us for disappointing you and causing you pain. However, your decision to follow Christ, but no longer be a Christian is an impossibility - theologically, theoretically and experientially. I pray you find a place of acceptance and love within this sometimes confusing, growing, changing organism we call the church.

A Fellow Struggler

Read Open Letter to Anne Rice in Christianity Today at http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2010/08/an_open_letter_to_anne_rice.html

FIVE THINGS NOT TO DO AT CONFERENCE

2010-07-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

A writers conference can be a scary thing -- especially your first one. I attended my first writer's conference by myself as an unpubbed author. I knew no one. The conference was held in the Rocky Mountains, and I walked around that week enjoying the scenery, but with my brain on overload and my confidence and esteem taking a self-inflicted beating.

I cannot even count how many writers conferences I have been to since then -- some as an attendee, some as a faculty member, and they all have been valuable. Having been on both sides of the unpubbed/pubbed fence, I'd like to make some suggestions as to what NOT to do at conference.

1.) DO NOT RETREAT TO YOUR ROOM EVERY TIME YOU HAVE FREE TIME. Some of the most valuable networking that you will do will occur in the coffee shop, the hotel lobby, lingering over a meal, in the elevator even. I met one of my favorite authors, Ted Dekker, in the elevator in Denver and since we are fellow Thomas Nelson authors, I felt as if I had made a new friend.

2.) DON'T BURN THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS TO THE POINT OF EXHAUSTION. Although you should try to go to the workshops that interest you, it's not possible to go to all of them. Sign up for the ones that are most appealing and leave some time to absorb what you've learned. Put your feet up for a few minutes after lunch or between classes and go over your notes. Leave a time slot completely vacant in order to catch your breath. Go to the bookstore and look at all the choice books available. You'll wear yourself out physically and emotionally if you don't space out your time wisely.

3.) DON'T AVOID PUBLISHED AUTHORS, EDITORS AND AGENTS. Every one of us was unpubbed at one time. And if the truth be known, every one of us has doubts about our own writing now and then (gasp!). We love to talk to our readers. The editors, publishers and agents are so ready and willing to help. You are not bothering them when you stop to visit. It is their privilege and pleasure to do so.

4.) DON'T SKIP THE WORSHIP SESSIONS AND THE KEYNOTE ADDRESSES. Some of the richest times at conference will come during these sessions. God has always spoken a particular word to my heart through the speakers and the worship. Avail yourself of some of the best speakers in the nation in Christian publishing. You'll be glad you did!

5.) One last word of advice: DON'T GET DISCOURAGED. I was at a writers conference one year when an unpubbed author left in the middle of the conference in a tailspin, because one of the editors said his work was not ready yet to be published. It is discouraging to have one editor after another shake their head, but every "no" that you receive just brings you closer to your "yes." If God has called you to write, then learn how to write at the very top level of your ability through the information you'll glean at conference. Then leave the results up to Him. Psalm 138:8 says, "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever--forsake not the works of Your own hands." God is for you!

A final "don't" -- DON'T MISS THE AFCW CONFERENCE IN INDIANAPOLIS! Perhaps I'll see you there!

www.acfw.com/conference

MEDIEVAL TIMES

2010-06-17T15:19:00.001-05:00

This week I have interview with two of my writer friends who write historical fiction set in medieval times, Deb Kinnard and Jennifer Hudson Taylor. It is a genre' that I have always loved and am glad to see it selling these days. One added touch - I've asked the gals to include a recipe from the time period in which their stories are set. So here we go ...

Tell us about your families – and I always like to hear how you met your hubby.

Deb: Oh, wow. This’d be a long story if I could tell it all. Suffice it to say I was hanging out for some videos one night with a friend from work. I knew she had a brother. But when he came in late that night from his college class, I took one look and thought, “She was fibbing...he’s cute!” We dated as friends for several years before we decided to make it a permanent thing—23 years and two daughters ago.

Jennifer: I met my husband when I was 15. My parents and grandmother shopped at the grocery store where he worked, back then it was Winn-Dixie. We had a mutual friend working the cash register and she refused to check out my grandmother until I gave my phone number for Dwayne. A huge line was developing and everyone was yelling at me to go ahead and give the number so they could get checked out—even my grandmother! I thought about giving the wrong number, but I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t allowed to date until I turned 16 and my birthday was a month away. He called me on a regular basis for 5 months before he convinced me to go out with him. We went out on 3 dates. I ran into him again my senior year of high school. That time we dated consistently all through college. I graduated in May 1993 and by July we married. Four years later, we had a precious daughter, Celina. She’s our only child and will be 13 this summer. My husband is so wonderful, loving, Godly, and supportive of my writing. I’m truly a blessed woman.

Do you have any formal education as far as writing is concerned – a degree in English, creative writing, etc?

Deb: Not a bit of it. My formal degrees are in health care. I never tried to pursue education in the writing, probably due to my high school creative writing teacher. He gave me C- on everything and told me I’d never amount to anything . Such are the things that spur us on!

Jennifer: I have a B.A. in Journalism with a minor in English

Tell us about your current/upcoming releases, and also about any other books that you’ve had published.

Deb: SEASONS IN THE MIST released April 1 from Sheaf House. I’m working on a sequel to that book, working title APRIL’S PILGRIM. In December I’ll have a novella called ALOHA, MY LOVE in a Christmas anthology from Desert Breeze. Previous titles include POWERLINE, OAKWOOD, ANGEL WITH A RAY GUN, ANGEL WITH A BACKHOE, and DAMAGES.

Jennifer:
Highland Blessings, Scotland 1473 (May 2010 Release)

Highland warrior Bryce MacPhearson kidnaps Akira MacKenzie on her weddingay to honor a promise he made to his dying father. When he forces Akira to wed him, hoping to end a half-century feud between their clans, she struggles to overcome her anger and resentment. . .Yet her strength in the Lord becomes a witness to Bryce. But there is a traitor in their midst . . . and murder is the ultimate weapon.
Highland Sanctuary, Scotland 1477 (October 2011 Release)
Gavin MacKenzie is hired to restore the ancient Castle of Braigh. He discovers a hidden village of outcasts that have created their own private sanctuary from the world. Among them is Serena Boyd, a mysterious and comely lass who captures Gavin’s heart. The villagers have an intriguing secret, while Serena harbors a deadly past that could destroy her future. When a fierce enemy launches an attack against them, greed leads to bitter betrayal. As Gavin prepares a defense, the villagers unite in a bold act of faith, showing how God’s love is more powerful than any human force on earth.

Golden here - When I was a teen-ager I devoured books about medieval times. I loved them! Ivanhoe was a favorite as was The Black Rose by Thomas Costain. Camelot, First Knight and Robin Hood are some of my favorite movies. (Just saw the new Robin Hood with Russell Crowe and loved it.) So I was surprised to hear bantered around the publishing circles that “medievals don’t sell.” I think you all are proving that to be false. Would you comment on that?

Deb: I think that with practically any genre or time period of fiction you can name, there is a pendulum swinging back and forth. An era that was out of style a few years ago can be hot stuff if you just give it time. A couple of years ago, it was all “chick lit,” now we’re being told that’s dead. I believe if you are patient and stick to the stories that move you most, even a “don’t sell” era or genre can be a winner.

Jennifer: My field is marketing and communications and I believe that anything marketed well will sell. It depends on what the publishers decide to invest in. A single author can only do so much until they build a house-hold name. I think the Braveheart movie is a perfect medieval example, even with its lack of authentic details in certain areas. It was marketed well and made a huge splash and sold millions of tickets and made tons of money. This wouldn’t have been possible without the marketing support behind it. Mel Gibson has been in plenty of other movies that didn’t do half as well, so it wasn’t his name alone that sold it. Books work the same way.

If you could time-travel back to the medieval era, would you?

Deb: Yes, provided I knew how to get back home. Plus, I’m not sure I’d survive, since I’m diabetic. They had no effective treatments for so many diseases, and I’d be a senior citizen in the 1300s. Yipes. Maybe I’d better stay put.

Jennifer: I’m not sure. I really enjoy the convenience of contact lenses, medical technology, vehicles, computers, microwaves, and air conditioning. Maybe if I knew I could travel back and it would only be for a visit.

On a trip to the British Isles several years ago, I was impressed by the ruggedness of the castles. How in the world did the women maneuver those steps in the huge skirts they wore? Have any of you visited the castles of Europe? And what were your impressions?

Deb: I’ve visited quite a few in the U.K. but haven’t been to Europe other than Britain. I visited Knaresborough, Clifford’s Tower in York, Lincoln Castle (where I sneaked into an undercroft or dungeon), and several grand houses of later construction. It’s a pity so many beautiful castles were “slighted” in the Interregnum by Cromwell’s men. You can get a clear sense of what they must’ve been like, in only a few. It was rare for me to taste what it might’ve been like to live in one. I’ve felt the chill that feet-thick stone walls offer, and I’ve stayed the night in very, very old buildings. I don’t think the fashions were much of a problem, since the wider the skirt, the easier it is to hold out of the way. Before about 1400 gowns were cut ample in the hem, enough to allow women to ride horseback astride without compromising her modesty. My lady would simply hold up her skirts to go upstairs, much as we do with formal wear today. Her challenge would be getting up those steps in today’s pencil skirts!

Never thought about that, Deb! That would be so true.

Jennifer: I have not and it is my life-long dream to hie myself off to Scotland, England, Wales and Ireland to visit castles and the land of my ancestors.

I also like to peek in on an author’s writing schedule. Do you have a set schedule? Do you have to work around a full-time job as well?

Deb: Would that I had a set schedule. I work part-time, 4 days a week, but that’s more than enough to make me wish I could devote more hours per week to the writing. In God’s hands but I’d love to retire.

Jennifer: I don’t have a set schedule, and yes, I have to work around a full-time job. For instance, I’m answering these questions at 2:23 am. I came home tired, and crashed around 7 pm and woke around 1:30 am. Sometimes I feel like I’m only surviving until God makes a way for me to quit my full-time job. I’ve been trying to figure out how to do that without throwing my family into financial ruin. We depend more on my income than my husband’s.

I realize that I am very fortunate to be writing full-time. I don't know how you gals do it with families and full-time jobs to deal with.

What are the challenges you face in meeting your deadlines?

Deb: See above crack about day job. I’ve never blown a deadline yet, with God’s help.

Jennifer: Working around my full-time job without neglecting my family and time with God.

Tell us what in your book makes it distinctively Christian. Is there a conversion scene? Does the main character grow spiritually? Is the gospel embedded in the text? Simply written from a Biblical world view?

Deb: I’d say my books tell stories of Christians who most often take their faith for granted. I think there’s a tendency for us to become a bit reticent about our faith. My characters don’t generally do this—they discuss it as the reality it is, and don’t hide. They do vary a lot in where they are on the path. Some have backslidden...some are groping toward a deeper faith, some don’t even know they aren’t walking as closely with Christ as they need to. I don’t use a lot of Scripture in novels unless it comes naturally to the character to do so. I’ve written a conversion scene (ANGEL WITH A RAY GUN) and it was so moving to write it – taking me back to age 14 when I came to know the Lord. All the emotions came back so clearly that it had me in tears. What a precious time in anyone’s life...almost a pity we only get to accept Him once! LOL.

Jennifer: It’s written from a Biblical world view. My heroine relies on her strong faith to endure her circumstances and she becomes a witness to the hero whose faith grows.
I always like to ask a kind of silly question at the end of an interview. So here’s yours: What’s your favorite food, and your least favorite food?

Deb: Favorite food: dark chocolate, hands down. Least favorite: raw tomatoes. Dad used to bribe me to eat them. To this day I cannot force one down. Give me choccy instead!!

Jennifer: My favorite foods are pastas and grilled Caesar salad. I hate spicy foods and I’m not very fond of bananas.

Okay, gals, thanks for the interview. And speaking of food, here are the recipes from the era in which you have written. Thanks for digging these up, and for being with me! Happy writing ... and eating!

Deb's Recipe for Stewed Chicken
Chicken stewed in wine, fruit, & spices - contributed by Michael F. Gunter
1 capon or chicken
1 pint chicken stock
2 oz currants
4 dates
about 8 oz oranges, mandarins, or lemons
8 oz white bread, cut into large crustless cubes
1/2 tsp. black peppercorns
1 tsp. mace
3 tbs. sugar
1 tbs. rosewater
1/2 pint white wine

Put the chicken in a pan, cover with water and boil until tender, about 45 minutes is sufficient. Drain 1 pint stock from the bird and simmer for 5 minutes with the currants, dates, and fruit peeled and divided into segments. Then add the remaining ingredients (white wine being preferable when using lemons) simmer for a further 5 - 10 minutes and pour over the bird arranged on a bed of bread cubes in a large dish.
From www.godecookery.com

Jennifer's Medieval Recipe for "Gyngerbrede"
2 cups honey
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. white pepper
pinch saffron
18 cups bread crumbs (about 2 loaves)
cinnamon and red sandalwood to coat
Bring the honey to a boil, reduce heat, and allow to simmer for 5 or 10 minutes, skimming off any scum that forms on the surface. Remove from heat and add saffron, pepper, cinnamon, and bread crumbs (adding bread crumbs a cup at a time). Mix well and scoop out into half inch sized portions. Form into small balls and coat with a mix of 2 parts sandalwood to 1 part cinnamon.

This recipe is by Daniel Myers at http://recipes.medievalcookery.com/gyngerbrede.html.

I don't know about the rest of you, but it's fascinating to me to picture the women cooking meals for their families, and in some ways it's not so different from what we do today. I think the refrigeration issue is probably the biggest difference in the preparation of food. What say ye?

NEW BLOG

2010-06-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

Jump over to a new blog which a speaker colleague of mine has just started. For the initial launch they have chosen an interview with yours truly on writing historical fiction. Jump on over and leave a comment to have a chance to win a copy of "Sun King" with the original cover. See you there!

DAPHNE FINALIST!

2010-06-10T14:52:00.000-05:00

I entered "Prisoner of Versailles" in the RWA Daphne Du Maurier Inspirational Romantic Mystery/Suspense contest on a whim. I wouldn't categorize "Prisoner" as a a romantic suspense, but there is certainly lots of intrigue and suspense. I almost didn't, but ended up deciding, "Why not?" Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I received a call a couple of weeks ago that "Prisoner" is a finalist in this prestigious contest! I'm excited!

INTERVIEW WITH THREE HISTORICAL FICTION AUTHORS

2010-04-24T11:03:00.000-05:00

Today I am interviewing three authors at once: Linore Rose Burkard (top), "Creator of inspirational romance for the Jane Austen soul." Her latest book, "Country House Courtship" was released just a couple of months ago; Laurie Alice Eakes, (center), whose latest novel, The Glassblower, has been in stores in recent months, and Roseanna White, (bottom) whose Biblical fiction, A Stray Drop of Blood, is just hitting the stores. These three wonderful women are part of the Historical Writers Loop, of which I am privileged to be a part. We share information, advice and prayers back and forth on a daily basis, and I wanted to kind of get a conversation going between them. I hope you enjoy this. Leave your comments!

1. Did God’s call on your life to write come gradually, or suddenly?

Linore: Recognizing the call came gradually…the desire to write was with me since I cracked open my very first library book. I can still remember the thrill. But I’m a little slow sometimes to get a message…even from God! In College, one day when I had four or five papers due in one week, out of the blue one day God simply said to me, “I’ll give you the paper.” I hadn’t been praying at the moment, or even worrying about all the assignments due, and it was sort of a shock that He would just speak to me like that. So, in a kind of daze I went and sat down (I was outside a public library at the time) and took out a sheet of paper and pen, and then, just like that, He gave me the points of a beautiful outline for the paper.

It was an incredible experience. I don’t write in outlines. I wish I could, and I’ve tried to numerous times since then, (if GOD uses an outline, they must be the way to go, huh?) but I’m just not good at them. They never work for me. But that one time it did. My professor was so impressed with my paper that he wanted me to enter it into a prestigious academic contest.
But like I said, I’m slow sometimes. I didn’t have the self-confidence or the time to look into the contest, as I was working full-time, and living alone, supporting myself as I went to college. If I could do it over again, I’d go back and enter the darn thing!

I’ve wondered many times why the Lord gave me that paper. Why THAT one? Why THAT time? (It was on an old English poem: Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.) Mostly, I think it was to encourage me, to build my faith ( I was a very bruised reed, so to speak), AND to direct me into writing.

Now, if only He would give me my next book like that!

Golden here: Wouldn't THAT be nice?! What do you say, Laurie Alice, gradual or all at once?

Laurie Alice: Yes. I know. That’s a smart alecky answer, and it’s true. I think God’s call was always there and I just wasn’t listening to it. Then I experienced a true epiphany one day in church, while the choir was singing “Here I Am, Lord, Send me” by Daniel Schutte. I was in grad school, so had to wait a couple of years to start, but I know that day God said, “This is where I want you to go.”

Roseanna: Hmm, I can't remember . . . it's been something I knew since I was 6 years old. Back in the day I'd say I wanted to be a teacher and a writer, or an archaeologist and a writer, or a something-else and a writer, but at 11 or so I said, “Oh, who am I fooling? I just want to be a writer!”

2. Does historical fiction written in any time period interest you? Why did you choose the particular time period that you did for your book?

Linore: I’m a picky reader, and historical settings are my favorite fiction reading, but I won’t read certain time periods, generally speaking. I like practically ANY past English setting (England; monarchy; anything pre-20th century). Same for American history, except that the Civil War era doesn’t interest me. Actually, most wars don’t interest me. I chose to write in a regency setting after falling in love with the period through writers like Georgette Heyer and, to a lesser extent, Jane Austen.

Golden: Oh, no! I'm sorry to hear that about the Civil War. My next book is set during the Civil War in Texas. But I suppose we all have favorite time periods which we like to read and write about.

Laurie Alice: No, not really. I am not enamored of the Old West. I picked up a wagon train story the other day and thought it was just the same as a dozen others I’d read over the years I predicted everything that would happen, skipped to the end—and was right. Prairie, settling just doesn’t do it for me.

For my time period, I think authors like Georgette Heyer and Clare Darcy and Carola Dunn lured me into Georgian and Regency England, and Kenneth Roberts, a great historical novelist, piqued my interest in early American history, the War of 1812, etc. I started researching and was hooked.

I’ve written in the Victorian age, too, partly to meet the needs of the market. Also, though, some topics don’t work earlier like my book coming out this summer for Avalon. When the Snow Flies is about a female doctor, so the 1890s works better. The follow-up will be about a female lawyer, so the later time is necessary.

Golden: I don't care for the Wild West era either, Laurie Alice.

Roseanna: When reading, anything historical grabs my attention. In my writing, I've branched out into a few different eras. The 1920s, the Victorian Era, and I'm beginning one set in 1784. A Stray Drop of Blood kinda had to be set when it was simply because of the inspiration of the story. I wanted to explore what it would have been like for an everyday woman to witness the crucifixion, so there ya go. =)

Golden: I suppose if a story is well-written, I would enjoy it no matter the time period.

3. Do you read any secular historical fiction? What authors?

Linore: I used to read a lot of secular historical fiction; Antonia Fraser comes to mind. Lately, I’ve been enjoying some early 20th century writers thanks to some Kindle books I came across. I love the early American Colonial period (not simple romances, but a good historical). Mary Johnston, Mary Rinehart; I also just finished my first Karen Kingsbury book (I’m almost embarrassed to say, but reading time has been scarce for me until recently) and so I can enjoy a good contemporary, too.

Laurie Alice: Lots. As we’ve discussed in other places, Christian fiction, for the most part, has been limited in its settings. I also didn’t start reading Christian fiction until about ten years ago. I’m not happy with the direction secular historical fiction has taken, for the most part, but a few authors still stand out as automatic reads for me—Jo Beverley and Laura Kinsail stand out.

Roseanna: I do, though generally just the freebies Harlequin sends me. I read more before I got into reviewing—now my shelves are so bursting with CBA books that I rarely ever pick up a secular one, just because of lack of time.

Golden: I think we all can relate to that. I used to read more secular than I do now, but I try to alternate. The most recent one I read was Geraldine Brooks' "Wonder Years." Really a good read.

4. What is the strangest experience you’ve had connected with your writing?

Linore: Probably what I mentioned earlier, when the Lord GAVE me an outline, point by point, just like that. I simply sat down and started writing the headings he spoke into my heart. It was far more amazing than I could grasp at the time, but even then I knew it was extraordinary. I used to be very poor at appreciating good things. I was an expert at talking myself out of them. So I really managed to underplay the miracle of that experience. But I’ve since come to recognize it, (along with so many other things the Lord has done for me!) and, on an earthly level, that was strange—but wonderful.

Laurie Alice: Lots of coincidences, like being in New Jersey in a class with a man from Scotland named Colin, when I sold my books set in New Jersey, with a hero from Scotland named Colin. Like thinking I was making up something for my story and discovering it was true. Like picking out a name for my heroine only to discover that the name was common for someone of her surname in that particular region. I’m quite taken aback every time these things happen.

And then we have people. Probably the strangest question I’ve been asked is: Did it cost a you a lot of money to get published?

Um, no, it didn’t cost me anything. The publisher paid me.

Roseanna: Hmm . . . probably that my best friend is now someone I've only met twice in person—she's one of my critique partners, and we now email several times a day, but it all started with writing—at the '07 ACFW conference, actually. God has not only brought some fabulous writing-friends into my life, he's brought some fabulous writers who become my dearest friends over time. And to think, when I was a kid I thought writers were like celebrities, out in a sphere where mere wannabes couldn't ever communicate with them! ;-)

Golden: Being fairly new to writing fiction, I have had some experiences with my characters that have been interesting to me - like a character not "letting" me write a scene the way I had planned and going a very different direction. But I guess the strangest thing that has happened was recently while I was doing character sketches for my new book, which is set during the Civil War in Texas. I had named the hero, Robert - wasn't entirely satisfied with that, but that's what I was going with for the time being. I had a dream one night where this character came to me and said, "My name is Kent." It really was quite vivid. So, Kent it is!

5. I recently taught a workshop at a statewide library conference, and I presented the question, “What makes Christian fiction Christian?” What we found out as we discussed the issue was that most of the librarians had not thought that question through. And they realized they needed to have a better handle on it. What is your definition of Christian fiction, and as a Christian historical fiction author, what elements do you feel you need to include for your story to be classified as Christian fiction?

Linore: Great question. I feel strongly that my fiction needs to have a gospel nugget—ie., enough of the simple, plain gospel (Believe and thou shalt be saved) so that an unbeliever, if they read the book, could grasp the fact that salvation is a free gift they can accept. (That’s a big statement for a Calvinist, lol.) I don’t feel that my calling is to emphasize “counting the cost.” There is a time and a place for that, and that would be Christian fiction, too, but my work is more about the accessibility of God—no matter who you are, or what you’ve done.
I also believe that Christian fiction can be gritty and realistic because we live in a gritty world—but it needs to be edifying. I see no point in writing horror, for example, when the truest horror is an eternity without God. My thoughts are going in all kinds of directions with this question, so I’ll leave it at what I’ve already said, but there are lots of layers to this topic and they all interest me.

Laurie Alice: For me, my characters need a spiritual conflict, as well as a romantic conflict. If one takes the spiritual aspect out of the story, the story has holes in it.

Some say it’s a Christian world view, but what exactly does that mean? Something different to everyone. Some people’s idea of a Christian world view isn’t Christian to me, and I may be too lax for others, so I’m not sure that definition works. But then, some Christian authors think if their story isn’t written to preach to the lost, they’ve failed. I don’t write to preach to anyone; I write to entertain with a message that is subtle and more aimed at Christians, to help them deal with issues I think all Christians deal with—perfectionism, guilt, forgiveness, etc. If I’m preaching, it’s to the choir because the choir needs help, too. I also want the “message” to be subtle so that a nonbeliever reading it will be intrigued about faith and Christianity enough to keep seeking. To me, that’s a Christian worldview—where the characters who are Christians make faith-based decisions or know when they stray from the Lord’s will.

Roseanna: It's definitely a multi-layered question. There's the kind of stuff that's squeaky clean and wouldn't offend a Christian but which has no overt Christian theme . . . then there's the layer where such themes are present but understated, written from the worldview, as it were . . . then there's the kind that presents Biblical precepts to one degree or another, whether it be by quoting a verse here and there or delving into the nitty-gritty of spirituality and faith.

My definition of Christian Fiction (versus simply inspirational) would be that it has characters who either are or become Christians. I'd love to leave the definition so simple, so that works could be included even if they deal with some of the darker sides of life before that conversion, but usually it also has to keep from offending before that point, too. That means closing doors on the couples, leaving curses unnamed, violence happening mostly off-scene, etc.

Golden: It is definitely not an easy question to answer, but I think that we, as authors writing in the Christian fiction arena, need to have a handle on our philosophy of Christian fiction. Thank you for your very thoughtful answers.

6. Do you think Christian fiction has a place in a secular library and/or bookstore? Why or why not?

Linore: There is absolutely no question in my mind that every library or bookstore should have Christian books, including Christian fiction. Christianity reveals the truth about God and doesn’t the world deserve the truth? Not all Christian fiction is created equal, of course, but most writers of faith seek to edify and inspire, and what could be wrong with that? The world has so forgotten that it was the monks who kept literacy alive during the Dark Ages; that Christianity, wherever it takes root in civilizations, brings prosperity. There would be no libraries and bookstores if it wasn’t for God’s people who founded the schools and hospitals of the past. Western civilization grew and prospered as the Gospel spread and took root. Now that they’ve got the prosperity, the world wants to forget the God who granted it, who made it possible.

Ask why anti-Christian fiction should have a place, and that would make more sense to me. That is what needs defending. Whether or not Christian writings should be in places where books proliferate is like asking if oxygen should be part of the atmosphere.

Laurie Alice: Why is it a secular bookstore and not simply a bookstore? These stores carry books on every other topic, why should Christian fiction be excluded? Absolutely it should be carried there and not in its segregated corner, either. I think historical Christian fiction should be shelved right along historical secular fiction. It would sell a great deal more. I know people who are reading it now just to get a clean read. It should be easier for them to find and obtain.

Roseanna: Absolutely! Christian Fiction makes up a pretty substantial part of readers' selection, but there aren't all that many strictly-Christian libraries, and even the Christian bookstores can't be found in a lot of towns (like mine). If we couldn't get those books at libraries or secular stores, we wouldn't be able to get them AT ALL, other than online. And I think librarians and bookstore owners are smart enough to realize that—my local library, at least, has reported how hot Christian Fiction is, and the local bookstore says it's a huge seller in our town. And since to the secular world business is generally business . . .

7. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Linore: A woman worthy of the words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant;” A woman whose children will rise up and call her blessed; A woman whose husband will praise her.

Laurie Alice: Why grow up?

I still have a very childish dream of what I want to be when I grow up—a musician. A performer. A rockstar.

Or maybe a college professor. For now, however, I am fulfilling my other childhood dream—of being a published author.

Roseanna: Laurie Alice! ;-)

Golden: LOL!! I love all of your answers. Being a published author is a bit of a dream, is it not? Sometimes I see my books on the shelf in a bookstore and can hardly believe. I, too, would like to teach in college someday. Ah, so much to do - and life is so short! I too want to hear the Lord say, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" at the end of my journey

Thank you, gals, for your candid answers to my questions. I hope the readers enjoyed peeking in on your writing world.

Title For New Book

2010-03-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

Book Three, "Where Hearts Are Free," is turned into the publisher. I'm beginning work on a stand-alone novel set during the Civil War in Indianola, TX, which is a town down on the Gulf Coast that was one of the few towns in Texas occupied during the war. It will relate the hardships on a family torn apart by the war, and the love story between a woman of the South and a Union officer.

I need help with a title. Any ideas? Would love for you to leave a comment suggesting one.

Web Site Temporarily Down

2010-03-06T17:34:00.001-06:00

My web site is down so I decided I'd pick up my blog again. I'm booking events for late spring and summer and into the fall now. Would love to come your way sometime.

I am posting the cover for Book Three, "Where Hearts Are Free" and the new cover for the re-issue of "In The Shadow of the Sun King." There's been quite a controversy going on at http://www.myfriendamysblog.com/2010/03/christian-fiction-what-is-going-on.html over the covers of Christian fiction. Thomas Nelson decided to do a new cover for Sun King hoping that it would help sales, and to make the three books in the trilogy more of a matching set. Although some of the comments at the above blog site were not particularly edifying, I agreed with some of them. I preferred the original cover myself, but we'll see. The business side of writing Christian fiction gets interesting sometimes.

We are doing a couples cruise in November. Doesn't that sound good after all this cold weather? Go to this link for information. We'd love to have you join us.
http://llarrew.cruiseone.com/travel/display_editorial.do?TemplateOid=1611786902

I'd love to hear your comments.

WHY ATTEND A WRITERS CONFERENCE?

2009-11-01T16:24:00.000-06:00

I'll be traveling this week to Abiqui, New Mexico, for the CLASS Christian Writers Conference, where I will be teaching a couple of workshops, and facilitating two rountable discussions, and speaking as a guest in another workshop.

I was thinking as I have been preparing for this sessions about how invaluable writers conferences are. I can remember walking around my first conference with my eyes wide and my mouth open. I was so green, and had no idea what was in store for me.

What I have gained from attending writers conferences:

1. I started out writing non-fiction, but the whole direction of my writing career changed after attending a fiction workshop at the Glorieta Christian Writers Conference --on a whim! I learned that much of what I wanted to say could be told in stories, in a much more palatable manner. I found my niche.

2. My writing has improved by attending the various workshops. I've learned how to plot, how to develop character, how to layer scenes, how to create tension.

3. I learned how to write proposals and submit them to publishers and agents.

4. I met my agent at a writers conference.

5. I have made wonderful friends at writers conferences, both editors and publishers, as well as fellow writers.

6. I have been encouraged to continue.

7. I have worshiped and heard God's voice through the many speakers.

I firmly believe I would not be a published author today if it were not for the instruction and encouragement I have received and the people I have met at writers conferences.

If you are not planning on being with us this year, I encourage to think about attending a writers conference somewhere and then join us at this same time next year. See you at the Ranch!

JOIN US AT SEEKERVILLE TOMORROW 10/22/09

2009-10-21T11:03:00.000-05:00

I'll be discussing the topic of "Writing His Story Through Fiction" tomorrow at http://seekerville.blogspot.com. Please drop in and leave a comment to join the discussion. What exactly is Christian fiction? It is a question not easily answered. See you there :)

A NAME IS A NAME IS A CHARACTER!

2009-10-18T18:44:00.000-05:00

The unanimous winner of the contest to choose a name for the protagonist in Book Three, of the Darkness To Light Series, "When Hearts Are Free," is Brigitte. And Dina, I love the idea of her family nickname being "Gigi." Thanks every one for participating!

AMBER STOCKTON INTERVIEW

2009-10-09T09:50:00.000-05:00

We welcome Amber Stockton to the blog. Her latest book, "Hearts and Harvest" was released last month. Leave a comment for a chance to win her book.

1. Tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, where you live, etc.

I am the second-born of four children with 3 brothers. I was born outside of Washington, D.C., spent most of my life on the East Coast and now live in Colorado with my husband and new baby girl, as well as our Border Collie, Roxie. My parents and brothers all still live back East, but if all goes as planned, my parents and youngest brother will be joining me out here in 3-4 years.

2. Tell us about your call to write in the Christian arena. When you are actually writing, do you have a real sense of God’s presence or is it more “nuts and bolts” writing for you? (I’m not sure either answer is right or wrong.)

I have grown up reading Christian fiction and love it for the inspirational message of faith, hope and encouragement it offers. In a world full of doubt and uncertainty, it’s awesome to pick up a book and know it will all work out…eventually. Since that’s a message I love to hear and convey to others, I know my calling to write in this arena is strong. I’d say when I write it’s more “nuts and bolts” but as I turn each manuscript over to the Lord before writing, I also know He is guiding my fingers as I type. I’d never finish without Him.

2. Do you consider yourself a Christian who writes good fiction or a writer who writes good Christian fiction?

A Christian who writes good fiction. My message isn’t always a slap in the face or a 2x4 over the head. It usually comes from the story and the characters. I don’t set out to include a theme or message in my stories. It happens, and readers pull from the story what they will, or what they need to hear.

4. I’m always interested in the everyday life of a writer. What is your schedule? And what are you usually wearing when you are writing?

Schedule? We’re supposed to have a schedule? I must’ve missed that memo. J Seriously, though, I try to write at least 250-500 words each day. When I’m on a deadline, though, it’s usually 1000 words a day. Writing is generally done during naptimes for my daughter or at night once she’s gone to bed. I’m usually at my most creative in the evenings, so there are times when my husband takes over baby duty. As for what I’m wearing, it all depends on if I have to go out that day and when I’m writing. Usually jeans or sweatpants and a t-shirt. Sometimes my PJs. J

5. Name five of your favorite things and five pet peeves.

Favorites: my daughter, mountains, cheese, ice cream, and Dr. Quinn
Pet Peeves: dishonest or superficial people, insincerity, drivers who aren’t aware of other people around them, dirty dishes left lying about, Windows Vista (winks)

6. When did you first realize that God was real? I’m not asking about your salvation experience, but when God first invaded your consciousness and you realized that He was more than just a religious concept.

While on a mission trip to Caracas, Venezuela when we saw a man healed of blindness, and saw over 500 people accept Christ.

That's an interesting answer to me as God became real to you after your salvation experience. I think as we mature and grow and see God at work around us, he becomes more and more real to us.

7. Now, tell us about when you came to Jesus and totally committed everything you knew about yourself to everything you knew about Him … where, when, how.

I was 7 years old and knew right then I wanted a friend closer than a brother. I’d moved often even by that young age and found it hard to make friends. From that point forward, I made it a point to pray first and allow Him to guide my steps. Over the years, my faith walk has evolved as I’ve matured. I find that a commitment is a daily thing and must be renewed often, so I try to make it a conscious effort.

8. What has been your toughest walk of faith?

Forgiving those who have betrayed or hurt me, especially when the reasons behind that betrayal aren’t valid or stem from their own insecurities they’re not willing to face.

9. What went into your decision to write in your particular genre/time period?

I grew up on Little House on the Prairie and have always been fascinated by history. With today’s society seeking to remove so much of our heritage from American culture, I find it a unique challenge to impart the wisdom and faith of those who have gone before us in the stories I write.

10. Do you read the reviews that are written about your book(s)? Do you believe and/or take to heart the reviews that are written about your book(s)?

Oh yes! Every one of them. Whether they are positive or negative, I take whatever nuggets from them I can to help me improve my writing. As long as the review isn’t mean-spirited in nature and honest, I can glean a lot from my readers, and love hearing from each and every one of them.

11. What is the message you hope people gain from reading your book(s)?

That God is always there, no matter what. You are never alone, even when it feels like everyone is against you. That He will never leave or forsake you, and that faith comes from actions as well as how you live your life.

12. What do you like to read? What is in your “stack to be read” right now?

Primarily historical fiction and romantic comedies. TBR is Annalisa Daughety’s debut novel, Love is a Battlefield, and Mary Connealy’s Montana Rose.

13. What do you like most about being an author? The least?

Being able to create stories and characters and living my life through them. The joy and challenge of taking a blank piece of paper (or computer screen) and watching a story unfold before my eyes. Hearing from readers when they’ve read a book and been touched in some way.
The least? The stress of being between contracts and only being as good as your next book, especially when I don’t have a book contracted at the moment.

14. What motivates your writing?

Usually a deadline. LOL! But also readers asking for my next book, the knowledge that I won’t get paid until the book is done. And, there are times when I get so caught up in the story or the characters, that I can’t wait to get back to them and continue writing their story.

15. Being an author brings opportunities to speak to different groups—book clubs, workshops, conferences. Do you enjoy public speaking or does it frighten you?

I love it. So far, I’ve only done local groups and settings, but I hope to expand that to regional and larger scale events too. I’ve submitted many requests to speak in recent years, but so far, nothing has come of it. All in God’s timing, I’m sure. Feedback from the places I have spoken has been fantastic and quite rewarding. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

16. If you could shout something to the heavens, and not care who heard you, what would you shout?

God loves me, even when the world rejects me!
This is a truth that’s hitting hard right now in my life. Maybe shouting it will cement it in my mind and heart.

Thanks so much, Golden, for having me here. I pray abundant blessings on your and your blog, as well as your own writing journey as an author.

A NAME IS A NAME IS A NAME

2009-10-02T08:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, readers and fans of the Darkness to Light series. I am struggling with a name for the new female protagonist in the series. Book Three, "When Hearts Are Free," deals with the Clavell family arriving in the New World and settling in Pennsylvania. Philippe, the oldest son, is now 21, and it is his love interest for whom we need a name. She is an adopted daughter in an English Catholic family, but her birth mother was French.

She is 18 years old, a diminuitive feisty blonde, with gray-blue eyes. I am posting a picture of our granddaughter, Crysta, with her husband, Craig, because she was the prototype for this character. Perhaps this will help in your choice.

It would help me so much if you would weigh in on this and help me decide between Brigitte or Amanda. Please leave your comments and help me out!

INTERVIEW WITH CHRISTINE LINDSAY - 2009 GENESIS WINNER!

2009-09-25T08:38:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely delighted to interview the winner of the American Christian Fiction Wrtiers Genesis Award in Historical Fiction for 2009. Christine has been a faithful member of our Historical Writers Loop, and has blessed us with her posts and insights.

1. Tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, where you live, etc.

I like to describe myself as a Canadian Brit. Born in Northern Ireland that still belongs to England, I feel British and adore Queen Elizabeth. So I have a bit of a stiff upper lip. But there’s a schism, I also feel very Irish. So I’m feisty. As an immigrant I’m very proud to be a Canadian. But having lived across the entire country of Canada, close to the border of the United States, I also get misty-eyed when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and feel in sync with my American brothers and sisters—especially those who follow Christ. Most of my school years were spent in the Niagara Peninsula where I grew up listening to the cool sounds of Motown music coming out of Detroit radio stations. And for the past 30 years, my husband and I have raised our 3 kids in British Columbia, about 50 miles from the west coast, and about 200 miles north of Seattle. We are now grandparents to 3 little boys, but I still enjoy the cool sounds of 70’s Motown.

2. Tell us about your call to write in the Christian arena. When you are actually writing, do you have a real sense of God’s presence or is it more “nuts and bolts” writing for you? (I’m not sure either answer is right or wrong.)

The call to write came shortly after the reunion with my birthdaughter—the child I relinquished to adoption 30 years ago. As I relived my original loss, my husband put a brand new journal and pen in my hand and said, “Write it.” The calling came with the spiritual and emotional healing the Lord brought me. But a year or 2 later I felt the Lord say, “Put the spiritual truth and healing you’ve experienced into fictional stories for others to read.

Each step I take with the writing, whether it’s taking another course on craft, spending more money on computers, going to yet again, a writer’s conference, or investing endless hours of time writing, I hold the desire to write, out on my open palm for God to remove or leave there as He pleases. By this time in my life I’ve learned there’s no sense butting heads with the Lord. So if God wants me to write and pursue publication then He must continue to show me it’s His will. But so far over the past 8 or 9 years, He’s given me permission to write in many exciting ways, big and small. So when I write, it’s very much the ‘nuts and bolts’ of the craft, but with the stamp of His approval. At the same time however, this is the way He wired me, so one way or another I’m going to arrange words on paper. I simply can’t help it—publication or not.

3. Do you consider yourself a Christian who writes good fiction or a writer who writes good Christian fiction?

For me everything is summed up in Acts 17:28—“In Him I live and move and have my being”. So I am a Christian who writes—I hope—good fiction.

4. I’m always interested in the everyday life of a writer. What is your schedule? And what are you usually wearing when you are writing?

The ‘what I’m wearing’ question makes me laugh. I gave up a wonderful job as an administrative assistant at Trinity Western University, a Christian university, because I felt called to write, and took an easier receptionist job with lower wages closer to home, so I could save my emotional energies for my calling. So Monday through Friday I get up around 6:30, have my devotions, then—still in my pajamas—turn on my computer and write until 9 am. Then I haul some clothes on, grab something to eat in the car, and drive to my job 20 minutes away. As soon as I get home in the evening, after supper, I try to spend another hour writing. That way—on a good week—I have 2 to 3 hours writing each day. On Saturday and Sundays I squeeze in 6 or more hours per day, but sometimes I get tired and it’s a little less. I hate it when that happens.

5. Name five of your favorite things and five pet peeves.

Favorites: Cats, Ice cream, movies, tea, and potatoes—what can I say, I’m Irish.

Pet Peeves: People driving while talking on cell phones, speeders, when people (myself included at times) who talk and don’t listen, people who talk behind me during a movie, and most of all—said with a heavy huff and a mischievous smile—needing a day job to financially support my desire to write.

6. When did you first realize that God was real? I’m not asking about your salvation experience, but when God first invaded your consciousness and you realized that He was more than just a religious concept.

Hard to answer as I grew up with a mother who constantly talked about God; but when I was a little girl about 9 years old, walking to church on a sunny Sunday morning and holding my little sister’s hand, as we approached the church I heard the bells chime, and something thrummed in my heart so that I remember it to this day. I just knew He was real, and not a story.

It is interesting to me that many of us have had a similar childhood experience. God is so faithful to reach out to us, even when we don't understand really who He is.

7. Now, tell us about when you came to Jesus and totally committed everything you knew about yourself to everything you knew about Him … where, when, how.

Even though I knew about Christ from a toddler, it wasn’t until I was thirteen that I realized I was capable of deep sin. I’d allowed a boy to kiss me and touch me pretty heavily, and later that night I attended a Church youth rally. As the call was made to come forward and accept Christ’s forgiveness and cleansing of our sin, I went forward, crying my eyes out. I couldn’t stand the sense of shame I felt and wanted rid of it. For several years I acted the part of a faithful Christian—taught Sunday School, was a summer missionary—but in my twentieth year I had a physical relationship with a guy I wasn’t married to. I very shortly became pregnant, and was so scared of what my unrestrained passions had brought about, that from that time on I wanted nothing that wasn’t God’s pattern for life. Getting pregnant, and then feeling the gentleness of God as he helped me through that hard time, and especially when I relinquished my child to adoption, I began to understand that I could trust Jesus and His plans for my life. As time went by, it didn’t seem like a narrow road, but one that grew wider with contentment, purpose, and a great deal of happiness.

8. What has been your toughest walk of faith?

Most people would think it was when I gave my child up for adoption. But the toughest time was actually 20 years later, when I searched for my birthdaughter and found her. Because the couple I’d chosen for Sarah were devout Christians, I figured when time passed and Sarah became a legal adult, they would welcome me with open arms. To my thinking we were all one big happy family in Christ. I envisioned Sarah’s family adding me and my family as a sort of extended family to theirs, that I’d sort of take on the role of an aunt to Sarah. I was very naïve when it came to the complexity of human emotions within the adoption circle.

When Sarah and I met shortly after her 20th birthday, her adoptive parents were devastated and couldn’t bear the thought of meeting me. Through tears and a sacrificial spirit, Sarah’s mom bravely encouraged Sarah to meet me. But their unhappiness caused a strain on my reunion with Sarah. The poor girl didn’t want to hurt her parents, but at the same time was curious about me, and after seeing I was a safe person desired a friendship with me. To make matters worse, I had these huge expectations of what our relationship would look like. Instead of just being happy to meet Sarah, I was in shock. “Her parents don’t want to meet me.” I felt rejected, not only by her parents but by Sarah too, that she seemed to have so little emotion for me while I had so much for her. I wasn’t really prepared for the fact that it would take time to build a relationship between us, and that it would not be the close family thing I’d imagined.

Bitterness began to corrode my heart. I blamed God for not doing a better job on warming their hearts toward me, and taking their fears away. When I first gave Sarah up as a baby in the hospital, the Lord’s presence had been so powerful, almost tangible, that I’d felt for sure He’d bless me in a super way when she grew up. When my high expectations didn’t pan out, I felt as though God had cheated me out of my firstborn. Looking back, I think the fact that we were all Christians, stopped me from totally grieving the original loss of Sarah as my child. I kept thinking we were all part of Jesus; making us family.

It was a rocky couple of years where I bounced back and forth, trying to trust that God had been good to me. All those years ago He had turned a sad situation into something good. Painful but good. Healing gradually came as the Lord showed me that even while it appeared my birthdaughter’s family would prefer to forget me, the Lord Jesus Christ never had, and never would, and actually neither had Sarah. Isaiah 49: 17-16a became my life words. “Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? Even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.”

But as the years passed, another long-standing prayer of mine has been answered. These past few months, Sarah’s adoptive mom shared parts of her story entwined with my birthmother story on my blog Christine Lindsay.com. We don’t visit; it’s still too hard for her emotionally. But these days I’m able to see past my own sense of loss to understand hers, and I ask myself, how would l feel in her position? I have complete peace now, and best of all my relationship with Sarah is very satisfying. And my 3 kids with my husband mean the world to me.

9. What went into your decision to write in your particular genre/time period?

I find it magical to step back in the past and envision characters walking, talking, living, breathing. My favorite author, MM Kaye, wrote sweeping, romantic tales of the British Raj in India. So I wrote one too. Well, at least I tried. Insert smile here. I’m just starting the research for my third novel which is set during the Second World War—a time of great sacrifice, hence the heightened sense of the romance of life. I’m just getting to know my characters who come from Washington State, just south of me, and who live in an exciting, dangerous time but their love for each other, and the love of God sees them through to a happy ending.

10. Do you read the reviews that are written about your book(s)? Do you believe and/or take to heart the reviews that are written about your book(s)?

I’ve only had a few articles published, and received a few comments—good and bad. The not so positive comments, I take with a grain of salt. I prefer a heavy critique anyway so I can improve my writing. But if someone hates what I’ve said because of a difference of opinion or point of view, then that’s fine too. We don’t all believe the same things. That’s why I write; because I have a point of view I want to share. Thank the Lord we have the freedom of speech in our two countries.

11. What is the message you hope people gain from reading your book(s)?

Always, always, always, to point people to Jesus Christ, and there are a million stories in which to do that. I can wrap it up in romance, danger, suspense, painting a scene, emotions, but the story must weave the reader’s heart to a deeper understanding of who Christ is, and of His incredible, sacrificial love for us. Without that message I have no reason to write.

12. What do you like to read? What is in your “stack to be read” right now?

Oy, do I have a lot of books to read. On my nightstand are Rita Gerlach’s “Surrender the Wind”, I’m expecting MaryLu Tyndall’s “The Blue Enchantress” to come any day. I want to get my hands on Laurie Alice Eake’s books, and I just bought a bunch of non-fiction books that I’ll be researching for my new novel—WW2 submarines, the experiences of folks in Tacoma and Bremerton Naval Yard during the war—on and on. There are about 8 new books, and I’ve only started the research!!!! Gasp.

13. What do you like most about being an author? The least?

Hard to say what I love the most about being an author; I love each aspect—research, plotting, characterization, writing the first to the sixteenth draft, then rewriting some more. I love the friendship and support of other authors, learning the craft and continuing to learn.

The thing I like the least is not getting enough exercise. Any spare minute, I’m sitting at my laptop, and getting chubbier . . . and chubbier . . . .

14. What motivates your writing?

Writing is a need, a purpose, something I must do. And I love ‘love’, what I call the romance of life. I see it everywhere; in young couples, old couples, moms and dads and their babies, middle-aged women like me being best friends with their mom, friends having coffee, people cuddling their pets . . . life I guess. And all of that is wrapped up in Christ. He’s the motivation.

15. Being an author brings opportunities to speak to different groups—book clubs, workshops, conferences. Do you enjoy public speaking or does it frighten you?

I have spoken in the past, even taken the Toastmasters course on public speaking. It didn’t used to frighten me, but speaking to large groups does now. It’s my hope the Lord will not ask me to speak in public again. Perhaps in smaller ways.

16. Let's talk a little bit about winning the Genesis award. Tell us about your emotions when you heard that you had won the Genesis award. Has that changed your perspective on writing at all?Tell us what has happened since then.

I was somewhat discouraged after finishing my second novel, to find that publishing houses were passing on them without even requesting the full manuscripts. It wasn't the fact that I wasn't being published---that doesn't bother me at all. But it was unbearable to think that I had made my 'faith-based' decisions to pursue this ministry in Christian publishing, when I may not have heard God's voice to do this, at all.

So I really, really needed confirmation. That's when I prayed an extremely audacious prayer that I admit to with some embarassment.

I asked the Lord to either let me win big and I would take that as confirmation to continue to pursue publication. But if He wanted me to do something else with my time, to let me not even be noticed at the Genesis awards. I asked Him to please not give me a lukewarm answer, but a hot answer or a solid cold answer. I figured He'd understand this as it's what He wants with our love---no lukewarm reponses.

Immediately after praying that, I felt badly. Who am I to ask such a thing of the Lord when my peers are worthy of winning big. And they too needed encouragement. So I rephrased my prayer that He would just give me what He felt was best.

So Saturday night while the conference took place in Denver, I'm sat on my couch at home, watching TV with my husband. I felt totally at peace, because I really believed I would not win. Around 9:30 I decided to check my email and saw a facebook message from a writing friend in Indiana. Crystal Millar said that she was crying with tears of happiness because I had won.

I speedily wrote back on Facebook. Won What? What did I win?

A few minutes later I phoned you, and you were on your way to your room in the Denver hotel to phone me. I couldn't quite believe it at first when you said, "You won, girl."

I wondered how you happened to call me at just the right time! I thought I had your phone number with me, but I had left it in the room. I was trying to get out of the banquet hall and to my room and kept getting stopped.

To be honest, the emotions I experienced were that of gentle peace. Our tender-hearted Lord understood the motivations of my audacious prayer---that it wasn't about winning---but that I needed confirmation that I had heard His voice.

As for the future, I do not know when the Lord will allow my work to be published. That's His business. It could be many more years yet. But for now, I have the peace that I did hear His voice and I'm doing what He wants me to do right now.

My agent and I did get some additional encouragement immediately after the win. Moody Publishing is taking a look at the book proposal, and should have an answer in about 3 weeks, if they will pass or perhaps request the manuscript to read it. So, we shall see. . . .

16. If you could shout something to the heavens, and not care who heard you, what would you shout?

Show me your face, Lord. I want to see you, feel you !! Come soon.

BOOK TOUR & ACFW PHOTOS - SEPTEMBER 2009

2009-09-23T17:42:00.000-05:00

RADIO INTERVIEWPETER BENSON AT CALVARY CHAPEL, ALBUQUERQUE, NM

MY FRIENDS, THE DYES AT BOOKSIGNING, TRINITY FELLOWSHIP, AMARILLO, TX

BOOK SIGNING AT TRINITYFELLOWSHIP IN AMARILLO

A FAN REMEMBERED ME FROM MINNEAPOLIS 2008!

THOMAS NELSON FICTION TEAM ENJOYING MEXICAN FOOD ACFW 2009 DENVER

BEST-SELLING AUTHOR BETH WISEMAN AND I AT ACFW BOOKSIGNING 2009

ACFW WRAP-UP

2009-09-20T07:21:00.000-05:00

The week got away from me - galloped away from me. Conferences are always much more busy than one expects, and hardly anytime to eat and sleep in between classes, volunteering and visiting with friends.

But it was wonderful. And one of the Historical Writers won in the Genesis Historical Category - CHRISTINE LINDSAY!!!!!! I was honored to give the acceptance speech and was so honored to do so.

"Sun King" didn't win - "Passion Most Pure" by Julie Lessman won in the Debut Author Category, and most deserved in my opinion. Very interesting sidelight - a publisher came up to me afterward and said, "I really thought you were going to win." But all of the books in each category deserved to win, I'm sure. Congratulations to all of the winning authors.

In my opinion, the whole conference seemed to gain a professional edge this year. Registration was smooth. The classes clicked along on time and were quality. As I stated earlier, the Donald Maass workshop was outstanding. I cannot wait to start writing and applying many of the techniques he taught us. I took a five-hour course in Advanced Fiction, with Allen Arnold of Thomas Nelson and Karen Ball with B&H, and learned volumes about how to promote on the internet. I'm eager to get started building my "tribe," improving my internet presence and watching book sales soar :)

I'm glad we were able to attend. More later.

ACFW THOUGHTS & MUSINGS

2009-09-16T21:52:00.000-05:00

The hotel is grand. The rooms are very comfortable. Registration was quick and efficient. The level of female voices in the lobby rises and falls everytime someone comes through the door as old friends greet each other. A few male types wander around with their hands in their pockets shuffling through registration lines like calves looking at a new gate. I hope they are not as uncomfortable as they appear to be.

We each eagerly go through the tote handed to us and assemble our name tags with the appropriate designations on each one - the part of the country from which we come, "Volunteer," or "Author," or "Press." This year mine has a "Finalist" on it. I wear it proudly. Just to be a finalist for Debut Author Book of the Year is thrilling.

I came last year as a complete "newbie," and was the one who felt like a calf looking at a new gate. I feel like I belong this year. I look forward to meeting new friends, learning how to be a better writer and having sweet fellowship time with my dear Historical Writers and the Thomas Nelson Fiction team.

I'll post as the week progresses. Leave your comments and questions about this wonderful event, and plan to join us next year!

2009-08-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

QUESTIONS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK AUTHORS

Nearly every time someone introduces me as an author, the conversation gets around to the fact that the person I am talking to is a "wannabe" writer. And they will ask me, "How do I get started?'

I love talking to "wannabe" writers. I think there is something within all of us that wants to preserve for posterity, or whatever might be lurking behind closed doors, our thoughts, musings, or creations. And just a couple of years ago, I was a "wannabe" author.

The first thing I tell them is: Write. They usually look at me like I've told them to go to the moon. But that is the first thing a "wannabe" must do - write. If a person claims to want to seriously become a writer, and isn't writing already, I doubt they truly do want to be an author. They like to think about being an author. But most people who genuinely want to be an author are already writing -- journaling, poetry, recording random thoughts, but they are writing.

Secondly, I tell them to get in a critique group that has at least a couple of professional writers in the mix. All of us need additional eyes to look at our work on a regular basis, and to color our manuscripts up with red marks. I am a better writer by 100% because of my critique groups.

Thirdly, I tell them to go to writers conferences. The information gleaned at these wonderful events all over the country is invaluable, but the networking is primary. One is probably not going to get an editor or publisher or agent to look at his/her work unless she has made a contact at a writers conference. Oh, it happens occasionally, but most of the time, it is done through networking at writers conferences. And I love being with other writers. Only another writer understands the pains, trials, discouragements, joys, victories.

So, you "wannabe" a writer? If you can manuever through these three issues, you will move from amateur to professional. It may take a few years, but you will eventually get there.

I have a caption on my desk that says, "A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit." Don't quit! Keep on keeping on. Keep on praying and submitting your work to God first. Then submit to editors and publishers. And one day you will be the author that people are coming up to and saying, "I've always wanted to write. Where do I start?"

2009-08-08T08:22:00.000-05:00

WHERE'S THE CHRISTIAN FICTION SECTION?

My husband and I go into bookstores in every city we visit. We go in to meet the manager and offer to sign their in-store copies of my novels. This has become an adventure. Many times the Christian fiction section is tucked away in the back corner under "Religions" or "Religious Fiction." That makes my skin crawl. Sometimes it's smack dab in the middle under "Inspirational." Occasionally it will be closer to the front under "Christian Fiction." That's usually in a Christian bookstore.

Last Thursday, I was interviewed by Linda Goldfarb on the CLASSeminar's radio show about the subject. I'm intrigued by this.

So, what exactly is Christian fiction? Opinions on that question vary widely, and I find that there are many misunderstandings about what it is. The Christian publishing houses even differ about the standards that should be upheld.

The Christy award standard states that Christian fiction is:

Fiction published for the Christian book market does not include the gratuitous demonstration of sin - whether language, violence, sexual situations, or the more hidden sins of idolatry and self-worship. Credible characters in a fallen world, of course, will sin. But the Christian novel's presentation of the grit and grime of human circumstance will not be done for its own sake or to titillate, but to point the reader toward hope, toward God.

So, what do you think fulfills the role of Christian fiction? Does simply writing about a protagonist who is Christian, or becomes Christian during the plot make it a Christian novel? Or how about a novel about the building of cathedrals in medieval England? (Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett). Or a book that has no sex, violence or bad language, does that make it a Christian novel? Or a novel about Biblical characters, or a biblical setting - does that constitute a Christian novel? Or does a novel written from a biblical world view make it a Christian novel? And what kind of writing should be in a Christian novel? Safe writing? Does the plan of salvation need to be spelled out for the book to be classified as Christian?

I have my own thoughts, but I want to know what you think. Leave a comment, and let's discuss it. Blessings!

Rita Gerlach Interview

2009-08-02T14:47:00.000-05:00

This month a new historical fiction author takes a bow with her debut novel, Surrender The Wind. Rita is one of my author friends on the European Historical Writers Loop, and I am so delighted to interview her this week. Leave comments for a chance to win her exciting book of action and romance set in the pre-Revolutionary period in both America and England.

1. Tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, where you live, etc.

I was born in Washington DC and grew up in a sweet cape cod house in a Maryland suburb with five siblings and two loving parents. I married my high school sweetheart, Paul, and we have two wonderful sons...both of which are old enough to take care of themselves, and for whom I am praying will soon find virtuous wives. We live in central Maryland at the foothills of the Catoctin Mountains, amid Civil War battlefields - Antietam and Smithsburg - and Revolutionary War sites such as Fort Frederick and the Hessian Barracks. Frederick is an old town rife with history, and being a historical romance writer, well you can imagine how much I love it...downtown that is, where all the old buildings are. In addition to that, I don’t live far from the Potomac River, which is part of the setting for my next novel, as well as where Seth Braxton lived in Surrender the Wind.

2. Tell us about your call to write in the Christian arena. When you are actually writing, do you have a real sense of God’s presence or is it more “nuts and bolts” writing for you? (I’m not sure there is a right or wrong answer.)

That’s a really interesting question. I’m not sure how to answer it, except to say that when I am immersed in writing, I’m in the ‘zone’. I concentrate so deeply that if someone comes into the room and speaks to me, they usually have to say something twice before I hear them clearly. I would hope that I would have a sense of the Lord’s presence all the time. But life’s distractions sometimes hold us back from this sense, don’t you think? The times when I really sense He is with me while writing is when a scene unfolds in a deeply emotional way or there is a breakthrough for the characters. It’s a kind of sense that says He is with me in this journey, and as long as I put it into His hands, all is well.

3. Do you consider yourself a Christian who writes good fiction or a writer who writes good Christian fiction?

I am a believer that writes inspiring fiction where I endeavor to touch readers by letting them see that when things in life go wrong there is always hope for a miracle. There is no separating the two because it is who I am.

4. I’m always interested in the everyday life of a writer. What is your schedule? And what are you usually wearing when you are writing?

I usually write in the late morning and early afternoons. Comfy street clothes to answer the last question, except for when I wake up at 3 am with an idea and have to get out of bed and get it into a file...then it’s my pajamas.

5. Name five of your favorite things and five pet peeves.

I feel like Julie Andrews!

1. Autumn
2. Beautiful Quilts
3. Blue and White Dishes
4. Regency Period Portraits
5. Classical Music

Pet Peeves:

1. Men not flushing the toilet and putting the seat down.
2. A sink with dirty dishes in it.
3. The car cluttered with fast food bags and Dunken Donuts coffee cups
4. When the last person that comes in the house leaves the door open at night.
5. My boys leaving their dirty clothes on the floor, and when they tell me they do it because they are saving them for later.

6. When did you first realize that God was real? I’m not asking about your salvation experience, but when God first invaded your consciousness and you realized that He was more than just a religious concept.

I’ll never forget it. I was nine years old, sitting in church, looking up at the cross with a figure that represented Christ on it. I was in a private school, and we went to church every week. I just locked onto that figure and I was flooded with this ‘knowing’ that it was real, that God was true, that He sent his son, and that Jesus suffered. My young mind really soaked it in, and I recall ‘knowing’ that there was more to God than the little church I was sitting in, more than the ritual that was taking place. I felt a personal connection. Later in class, the teacher asked us to share what we learned in church that morning. I raised my hand, and when I stood up, I shared that I realized that God was real.

I had a similar experience, Rita. I was six years old, and I wandered into the Methodist Church across the street from my grandmother's house. The stained glass window at the front was the very familiar one of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Sunlight was flooding through that window, and as a little girl I was overwhelmed by the presence of God. I can remember falling on my knees in the aisle of the empty auditorium. God was real! Then I remember that I felt bit foolish hoping no one had observed my sudden moment of religious fervor.

7. Now, tell us about when you came to Jesus and totally committed everything you knew about yourself to everything you knew about Him … where, when, how.

Well, honestly in the latter answer, I believe that is when I was born again, and I loved the Lord. Commitment, and understanding what that meant, came later, in high school. It was the 70s and the Jesus Movement was in full swing. It was an exciting time. A friend took me to a charismatic fellowship near Maryland University called Stonehouse. It was incredible. No overhead projectors to put up the lyrics to hymns, no confusion, or even lengthy sermons. We would begin to sing, and it just flowed, and people would stand up and give their testimonies. My commitment came on gradually when I realized the world offered me nothing. God offered me everything, including His unconditional love.

8. What has been your toughest walk of faith?

It’s a personal issue, but I will say it has to do with my father suffering with Alzheimer’s and how my family fell apart when he was put away in a nursing home. It was a test, believe me. Very rough. Very hard. And it broke my heart to see him suffer the way he did, not only in his mind, and physically, but in his heart. He passed away a year later, on the anniversary of the day he met my mother on New Year’s Eve 1939. The grief was perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve been through. Even though I know he is in Heaven, and that Christ will return some day, it is still a hard and I still miss him after a year and a half.

9. What went into your decision to write in your particular genre/time period?

A love for history. Not the facts, but the way people lived. The times were simpler then, and people for the most part were committed to their vows, to faith, and to their families. I find the Georgian (Federalist in America) and Regency periods romantic. I really have a difficult time explaining it, but I cannot imagine writing in any other genre.

10. Do you read the reviews that are written about your book(s)? Do you believe and/or take to heart the reviews that are written about your book(s)?

I do read them. I take them to heart because I have to if I am serious about pleasing my readers. My reviews have been good and if something is pointed out that a reader believes is a weak point, I ponder it and ask myself how I can make this better. What they say they love, I continue to do.

11. What is the message you hope people gain from reading your book(s)?

That when everything is said and done, in the end it all turns out all right. Love is the cohesive bond that helps us to face adversity. The message of Surrender the Wind is wrapped up in fidelity and forgiveness, and the surrendering to our Creator those winds that shove and batter us.

12. What do you like to read? What is in your “stack to be read” right now?

I love the classics like Jane Eyre, Pride & Prejudice, and I revisit some of Dame Daphne du Maurier every once and a while. Frenchman’s Creek is a good read. I like perusing used bookstores and finding turn of the last century romances. I like anything written by Mark Twain.

On my stack at the moment are the books that are in the fiction line launched through my publisher Abingdon Press, The Prayers of Agnes Sparrow, The Eye of the God, One Perfect Christmas, The Call of Zulina, and Gone to Green.

I’m reading Linore Rose Burkard’s Regencies, and Marylu Tyndall’s Charles Towne Belles Series, and others.

13. What do you like most about being an author? The least?

I would have to say that having a productive day of uninterrupted novel writing is the most enjoyable thing about writing for me. On the business side, it has been the publishing process, from a rough manuscript to a well-edited polished final, the book cover design, and then the final copy.

The hardest part was when I experience writer’s block. But I have come to realize that writer’s block, or ‘writer’s pause’ as I like to call it, is caused by distractions and stress. It is a part of life, and so the best thing to do is to keep working, but not force the writing.

14. What motivates your writing?

It certainly is not money or fame. The simplest answer is the love of it. I really do love writing. I am motivated, but at times there are so many interruptions that my motivation is frustrated. That is why I write in the morning. It’s quiet.

15. Being an author brings opportunities to speak to different groups—book clubs, workshops, conferences. Do you enjoy public speaking or does it frighten you?

I’ve had good experiences and one bad one with speaking engagements. I don’t particularly like them...standing at a podium giving a talk. Besides, I’m short and you have to give me a soapbox to stand on so people can see me. Seriously, I’d much rather be in a small group setting like a book club and sitting down with people. It’s more personable.

16. If you could shout something to the heavens, and not care who heard you, what would you shout?

“HURRY, JESUS!”

2009-07-23T09:30:00.000-05:00

I am delighted this week to interview MaryLu Tyndale. MaryLu's books have garnered 4 and 4 1/2 star reviews from Romantic Times, plus a Christy award nomination for her 2007 release, "The Redemption." Leave a comment to have a chance to win one of MaryLu's books.

Welcome, MaryLu!

1. Tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, where you live, etc.

Hi Golden, thanks for having me. My husband and I have six children ages 19-29 and we live in San Jose, California. I’ve lived here for 29 years, but I prefer Florida where I grew up and where most of my family still lives. There’s nothing like a tropical beach with the palm trees swaying and the warm waves caressing your feet. My husband is one of those serious, logical rocket scientist types while I’m a crazy emotional writer, but we make it work!

2. Tell us about your call to write in the Christian arena. When you are actually writing, do you have a real sense of God’s presence or is it more “nuts and bolts” writing for you? (I’m not sure either answer is right or wrong.)

Five years ago, God distinctly put on my heart to write a novel about a Christian pirate. I know that sounds crazy, but it was such a strong feeling that I couldn’t ignore it. I had never written a novel for publication before. Yes, that’s right! But I did love to write and had spent many years writing as a hobby. So I wrote that pirate novel and 6 months after I finished it, I got a contract for it to be published. That’s when I knew it was God’s will and God’s hand was on it all along because that never ever happens in the publishing world. When I’m writing, when I’m really into a scene, I feel a strong sense of the Lord’s presence directing me, but when I go back and edit later on, it’s all nuts and bolts!

3. Do you consider yourself a Christian who writes good fiction or a writer who writes good Christian fiction? Definitely a Christian who writes fiction.

Without my identity in Christ and my relationship with Him, there wouldn’t be a reason to write.
4. I’m always interested in the everyday life of a writer. What is your schedule? And what are you usually wearing when you are writing?

I’m a pretty disciplined person and I like to stick to schedules. I suppose that comes from raising so many kids. After I get up, the first thing I do is read my Bible and spend time with the Lord. Without that, I won’t have the strength and wisdom to get through my day. Then I get dressed and tackle my tons of email, deleting the ones I don’t need to read and answering the ones that require a response. I work on my blog and any other marketing tasks I need to do. Then I take a break and get some exercise. I have a stationary bike in my living room that I get on everyday and watch the History channel. I also go up on the trail behind my house and walk for 30 minutes. After that, I eat some lunch and take care of any chores or errands I need to do for the day. The afternoon is my writing time. I usually spend from 1:00 pm – 5:00 pm writing. At 5:00 I make dinner and get ready for the family to come home. Evenings are spent with my husband and kids. I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt all day! That’s one of the perks of this job.

That's interesting to me. My day is the opposite of yours. I, too, start the day reading my Bible and praying, but I write early in the morning. Then marketing and emails in the afternoons, unless there is one from my editor or agent or publicist that needs immediate attention.

5. Name five of your favorite things and five pet peeves.

Five Favs: Jesus, Popcorn, Sunshine, Chocolate, LOST
Five Peeves: Prideful people, Cloudy days, Being late, Traffic Jams, hypocrites

6. When did you first realize that God was real? I’m not asking about your salvation experience, but when God first invaded your consciousness and you realized that He was more than just a religious concept.

About 15 years ago, I dared myself to read the Bible from cover to cover. I had not been following the Lord for several years and had made quite a mess out of my life. I was reading Ezekiel one night and I came to the prophecies about Israel, how God was going to bring them back from all the lands where He scattered them and settle them back in Israel and how Israel would be a land of turmoil and wars until Jesus came again, and I realized that what Ezekiel wrote thousands of years ago was occurring in my lifetime! Something leapt within me, like a door opening or a light switching on and I KNEW that God was real. I felt His presence so strongly I remember looking around the room, fully expecting to see Him standing there. My life has never been the same since.

Wow! That's what we all need isn't it? An genuine encounter with God.

7. Now, tell us about when you came to Jesus and totally committed everything you knew about yourself to everything you knew about Him … where, when, how.

The total complete full surrender that I believe you’re talking about here is something I finally did about 5 years ago. After I became a believer, I still dabbled with the things of the world and still wanted things my way. It took several years for the Lord to humble me and help me toss “self” off the throne of my heart. He brought me to a very dark place in my life where nothing was going right and my prayers were not being answered, but ultimately it was at that place where I finally let go of my self will and put myself completely in God’s hands.

8. What has been your toughest walk of faith?

Believing for the salvation of my prodigal children. Especially when I watch them out in the world doing all the wrong things. But God’s word contains many promises for the children of the righteous, and He has spoken directly to my heart that my kids will be saved. The challenge comes in believing it on a daily basis when everything I see with my natural eye says the opposite.

9. What went into your decision to write in your particular genre/time period?

I love history and have always been drawn to reading historicals and to watching period movies. To me, there’s something so adventurous and romantic about the early colonial period when explorers were finding new lands and people crossed the sea looking for freedom and had to scratch out an existence in the wild new world. Combine that with the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, a woman who does indeed believe in happy endings, and Historical Romance seemed a perfect fit for me.

10. Do you read the reviews that are written about your book(s)? Do you believe and/or take to heart the reviews that are written about your book(s)?

I would love to say that I don’t read the reviews! I hope to some day have the strength to resist reading reviews. Reviews do one of two things. The good ones pump up my ego, and the bad ones crush my resolve. Both are bad outcomes. Then why can’t I stop reading them?

11. What is the message you hope people gain from reading your book(s)?

God is real. He loves you. He has a plan for you. He is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do! He only asks that you follow Him and believe.

12. What do you like to read? What is in your “stack to be read” right now?

I love to read Historical Romances. Currently, I’m reading Falconer’s Quest by T. Davis Bunn. On my TBR pile, I have The Shape of Mercy by Susan Meissner, Ransome’s Honor by Kaye Dacus, The Bride Bargain by Kelly Hake.

13. What do you like most about being an author? The least?

I love being home and making my own hours. I was never one who enjoyed punching a clock, so the freedom this career offers me is a definite plus. I also love spending most of my day in a different world. As a child I spent hours daydreaming and now I get to do it for money! For me the hardest part about being an author is the marketing. I was never good at sales and I’m still not. I’d rather spend my days writing instead of trying to promote my books.

14. What motivates your writing?

My relationship with Jesus. The purpose of my writing is to glorify Him and bring others close to Him, so whenever I am planning a new story, I always ask Him what message He wants me to get across. For any new book, I always start with a spiritual theme, then I add plot, characters, location, etc...

15. Being an author brings opportunities to speak to different groups—book clubs, workshops, conferences. Do you enjoy public speaking or does it frighten you?

I’m a bonafide introvert. I’m the kid who dreaded standing up in front of the class to give a book report. So, no, I do not enjoy public speaking at all. I’ve gotten better at it over the years, but truthfully, it terrifies me!

16. If you could shout something to the heavens, and not care who heard you, what would you shout?

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Amen to that!

Thanks again for taking the time to answer these questions. Everybody please leave a comment and garner a chance to win one of MaryLu's books.

2009-07-14T15:40:00.000-05:00

Golden and Mary Beth Chappell at ACFW Conference in Minneapolis, MN, Fall 2008

I am so excited to have with me this week my agent, Mary Beth Chappell, who is with Zachary Shuster Harmsworth Literary and Entertainment Agency, offices in New York City, Boston and now in Atlanta, GA.

Mary Beth received a B.A. in Political Science from Brown University and a J.D. from Emory School of Law. Chappell attended New York University's Summer Publishing Institute and then joined Zachary Shuster Harmsworth in 2004. She seeks projects that involve compelling voices, captivating stories and unique perspectives.

Chappell represents both fiction and nonfiction authors working in many genres. Her nonfiction interests include food, lifestyle, self-help, pop-psychology, politics, human rights, southern culture, travel, Christianity, the environment and women's issues. Her fiction interests include historical fiction, inspirational fiction, women's commercial fiction, Southern fiction, mysteries, and horror.

Chappell's diverse range of clients include cookbook authors and acclaimed food writers Mindy Merrell and R.B. Quinn whose book is forthcoming from Broadway/Random House, award-winning journalist Ronnie Greene whose book Night Fire: Big Oil, Poison Air and Margie Richard's Fight to Save Her Town is forthcoming from Amistad/HarperCollins; Edward Chupack, whose debut novel Silver: My Own Tale as Written By Me With a Goodly Amount of Murder, a gritty, retelling of the children’s classic Treasure Island, was recently published by Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martins to critical acclaim; and Tom and Ray Magliozzi, the hosts of NPR's hit show Car Talk.

We met at the Glorieta Christian Writers Conference, where I was serving on the faculty. It was, for me, sort of a fluke meeting. I thought Mary Beth was an editor, and so after sitting down beside her in the appointment room, I pitched my book to her. She was interested, and handed me her card. When I read, "Mary Beth Chappell, Literary Agent," I nearly fell out of my chair. But I remained cool (I think!). I didn't confess to Mary Beth until after I had signed with the agency that I thought she was an editor. It has been a good association.

I took some questions off of the Historical Writers Loop that the participants had wanted to know from agents. Here are Mary Beth's answers:

Do you prefer your clients call or email you?
I prefer email, but every agent is different. If you have a problem that doesn't lend itself to email, I'd email and set up a time to chat.

How often should I be contacting my agent or should I just wait until she contacts me? This varies entirely on what stage of the project you find yourself in and whether you have a problem.

Mary Beth has been very accesible and available to me. As outlined above, if I need to talk to her, I email her, and we set a time to chat. However, I try to be sensitive of her time and unless there is a problem or a question that I don't feel comfortable asking my editor, I try to take care of things myself. In the early days of our relationship, however, I really didn't ask her to take care of some things that I should have. Your agent can act as a liason between you and your publisher to deal with sticky issues. Let your agent ask the hard questions and be the "bad guy." That leaves you free to be the wonderful author! :)

Will my agent give me a detailed list of who she has sent my manuscript to? And who rejected it? I do and I often provide rejection letters. Some agents will not do this though.

What should I expect from my agent at a conference? Conferences can be a great time to bond with your agent, especially if you have never met face to face. You should, however, be considerate of the fact that your agent is working...looking for new clients, leading workshops, etc. I suggest sending an email to set up a time to connect at the conference. If you have not signed yet it is not a good time to check in on your manuscript.

Should I make an appointment to see her or just say hi in the hall? Friendly hellos are always welcome. That said, if you have something to discuss make an appointment even if it is for coffee.

How does a new author know if their agent is doing a good job? New authors often have the highest of expectations for the publication process and are often disappointed. Here are some questions that give an idea of what is reasonable to expect. If your agent has agreed to help you edit, and I would suggest finding one who does if you are a new author, are the editorial suggestions helpful, communicated clearly, etc? Alternately, did they send you to a freelance editor who was a good match? Did your agent send your work to a variety of houses or provide a solid explanation for why a house was omitted? Do you feel that you are getting good, clear info on the financial matters related to your work?

When is it time to sever the relationship with an agent and how should it be done? This really varies depending on the individual case. Follow the process stated in your agency agreement. Personally, I would not do it by email.:-)

Are editors asking for any particular kinds of manuscripts? The publication process is so slow that I always advise against trend following...you'll miss the trend. It's more important to work on your work and your platform.

Pet peeve on submissions
"my fiction novel"

Do contest wins/finals help give an author credibility? Do you often request a full ms after judging in a contest? If you do request, do you want to see a proposal or the full manuscript? Yes, contests can set you apart if you win. For novels, I want a partial manuscript. Most of my work is in the ABA where fiction proposals are nonexistent.

What advice would you give as far as one sheets? If I do not enjoy reading your synopsis/one sheet, I will never ask to read your novel.

So, I would think that tells us how important it is to have the best one sheet that we can afford to produce.

How do you prioritize your work, i.e career planning over editing a client's manuscript for example. I love this question. They are both crucial...and come into play at different times in a client's career. In the early days, editing is the most important. The work has to become marketable and the best career strategy in the world won't help if it isn't. Once the deal is in place and the client has an editor, then strategy becomes the key focus. That said, an agent's most important function is to make a good match with the editor/house and get the client a good contract that will not cause problems later in their career. Trust me, I've seen what happens down the line when good authors sign stupid contracts...it's brutal and you don't want to be there.

What is your favorite part of your job? I like editing, coaching and contract negotiations.

What do you love to read? Fiction.

Something we like to hear, eh?

What would your ideal agent/client relationship look like?
Honestly, they are each different and special in their own way.

Thanks, Mary Beth, for taking time to answer our questions. Perhaps the relationship with our agents won't be so scary now :)

2009-07-01T16:16:00.000-05:00

MOLLY NOBLE BULL

I am thrilled to have for this interview, Molly Noble Bull, whose most recent book, Sanctuary, is about the French Huguenots, as are my series of novels. Sanctuary won the 2008 Gayle Wilson Award and tied for first place in the 2008 Winter Rose contest, both for published inspirational authors. Leave your comments to be eligible for a chance to win Molly's book.

Tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, where you live, etc.
My name is Molly Noble Bull, and my email address is www.mollynoblebull.com. I am a wife, the mother of three grown sons, the grandmother of four, and a published novelist. I was born in Kingsville, Texas, and Kingsville is way down almost at the very bottom of Texas. My husband and I lived in the Texas hill country west of San Antonio for many years, and we also lived in Germany while he was in the military. Like you, I am descended from French Huguenots, and Sanctuary, my Huguenot novel, was set in France in 1740. In fact, it was while living in Germany that we visited France for the first time.

Tell us about your call to write in the Christian arena.
Even as a child, I was a romantic—always dreaming of the day when I would meet Prince Charming at the ball. Well, I met him, and my husband is still my Prince Charming. But I can’t stop wanting to go back to the ball again and again. I can do that when I write Christian romances. But mainly, I write for the Lord. In fact, all my novels have the following phrase written on the dedication page: But to God give the glory.

When you are actually writing, do you have a real sense of God’s presence or is it more “nuts and bolts” writing for you?
God gave me the desire and ability to write books, and He is an important part of who I am, how I think, and what I write. I cannot always “go unto all the world and preach the Gospel of Grace.” But my characters can.

Do you consider yourself a Christian who writes good fiction or a writer who writes good Christian fiction?
I am a Christian first and a wife second. Ideally, my writing is down a couple of slots. But sometimes, it inches up the ladder a bit. At those times, I have to slap it back down where it belongs.

I’m always interested in the everyday life of a writer. What is your schedule? And what are you usually wearing when you are writing?
I am never on a schedule. I write when I can, and sometimes, I am wearing a nightgown.

Name five of your favorite things and five pet peeves.
I like to spend time with the Lord.
I like to read books and magazines on Bible Prophecy.
I like to listen to the news and keep up with current events.
I like to write books.
And I like to travel.

I don’t like to cook.
Wash dishes
Clean house
Shop for food
Do gardening

However, I do all those things. Often, I am praying or plotting a novel when I do them.

When did you first realize that God was real?
I was raised in a liberal denominational church. I thought God was a really big man who sat on the altar at our church. But I wasn’t sure how Jesus fit into the picture. I knew Jesus was born on Christmas Day. (Today I believe Jesus was born during one of the fall feasts of Israel.) I was convinced that Jesus died on Good Friday. I also knew we sang songs about him on Sunday morning, but that was about all I knew about the son of God.

One day I saw a really old Hollywood movie call David and Bathsheba, and I realize that I wanted what David had—a personal friendship with the Lord. I began my quest to find the Lord, and that must have been when I finally knew God was real.

The movie came about as the result of somebody writing a screenplay and perhaps a novel as well. Now I wanted to write novels in the hope that after reading my books, others would go on a personal quest of their own.

Now, tell us about when you came to Jesus and totally committed everything you knew about yourself to everything you knew about Him … where, when, how.
As I just mentioned, I had been looking for the Lord for a long time, and since I didn’t find him in my church, I went looking for the Lord in all the wrong places. My quest landed me in the New Age Movement for a while. But Jesus, the Good Shepherd, came looking for me. And he carried me home by revealing himself to me in a very personal way. I have followed the Lord ever since.
What has been your toughest walk of faith?
Pride. As a published novelist, I sometimes get puffed up with my own importance, and this is never good. God punishes those He loves, and though I try to do God’s will, I never feel more loved than when the Lord takes me to the woodshed.

What went into your decision to write in your particular genre/time period?
Genealogy is a hobby of mine, and some of my ancestors had French surnames. I always wanted to write about the places where they lived and the periods in history when they lived. Thus, Sanctuary was born.

Do you read the reviews that are written about your book(s)?
Yes. I love to hear the nice things written about my books and try not to concentrate on the “not so nice” things.

What is the message you hope people gain from reading your book(s)?
I hope they learn Bible stories and scripture verses seldom discussed from the pulpit.

What do you like to read?
I read non-fiction for pleasure.

What do you like most about being an author? The least?
I like writing best. What else? I dislike getting rejection letters, but a lot of published authors get them.

Being an author brings opportunities to speak to different groups—book clubs, workshops, and conferences. Do you enjoy public speaking or does it frighten you? I taught school for many years where I spoke to a group of students all day long. So, public speaking doesn’t bother me.

If you could shout something to the heavens, and not care who heard you, what would you shout?
Save all my family.

You ask great questions, Golden. Thanks for inviting me here today.

Thank you, Molly, for taking the time to answer our questions. We've enjoyed getting to know you a bit better.

Click to HEAR an audio excerpt from Sanctuary: www.mollynoblebull.com/soundbyte.htm http://www.mollynoblebull.com/. Or to watch the video: http://connect.tangle.com/mollynoblebull.

LENA NELSON DOOLEY

2009-06-20T10:54:00.000-05:00

We are privileged this week to interview Lena Nelson Dooley, a prolific, award-winning author of numerous Christian fiction novels and president of the Dallas/Ft Worth Ready Writers Chapter of ACFW. Leave a comment for a chance to win a copy of one of her latest works, Wild Prairie Roses or Cranberry Hearts.

Tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, where you live, etc.
I live in Texas with the love of my life. We’ve been married for almost 45 years. We love to spend time with our family. And travel. And minister together.

Tell us about your call to write in the Christian arena. When you are actually writing, do you have a real sense of God’s presence or is it more “nuts and bolts” writing for you? (I’m not sure either answer is right or wrong.)
Your readers can read the testimony of how God told me to become a professional writer on the main page of my web site. It’s an interesting testimony. – www.lenanelsondooley.com.
I do sense God with me when I write. And I feel him when I’m mulling over the story and planning chapters. And He has even changed the direction of a scene when I was at the computer writing it. This change has affected many people’s lives. They’ve let me know.

Do you consider yourself a Christian who writes good fiction or a writer who writes good Christian fiction?
I’m a Christian who writes good fiction. But I cannot write a story without including the all-important spiritual thread in it. The lack of one has caused me to quit reading fiction that’s not Christian. Even after reading a good story, I come away feeling as if something’s missing.

I’m always interested in the everyday life of a writer. What is your schedule? And what are you usually wearing when you are writing?
I spend at least 6 hours at the computer—4, 5, or 6 days a week, according to when my deadline is. I start out in my pajamas in the morning, but by mid-morning, I’m fully dressed and go to my office as I would if it were in another building, instead of my home.

That's kind of my writing schedule, as well, Lena. I get up early and after reading my Bible and prayer, I write in my pj's drinking coffee, until about 9-ish or so, then eat breakfast and dress.

Name five of your favorite things and five pet peeves.
I love my family, good friends, dark chocolate, writers who understand me, and learning new things. I don’t like for people to have a closed mind, for people to take advantage of others, for someone to be dishonest in any way, clothing sizes that aren’t really standardized, and being out in the heat.

When did you first realize that God was real? I’m not asking about your salvation experience, but when God first invaded your consciousness and you realized that He was more than just a religious concept.
I don’t know a time in my life that I didn’t know that God is real. I was raised in a strong Christian home, so God was part of our everyday life.

Now, tell us about when you came to Jesus and totally committed everything you knew about yourself to everything you knew about Him … where, when, how.
I was in my late 20s when I had a special dynamic experience that took me beyond just being saved to really walking daily with Jesus and letting his Holy Spirit direct my path. At a Spiritual Life Retreat in West Texas, for the first time, all the speakers were really walking with Him. They caught my attention and held it (which was a feat in itself). I came away from there with a new awareness of what it really meant to live the “abundant life.”

What has been your toughest walk of faith?
I’ve been through a lot of hard times: caring for invalid parents, almost losing my husband to death, and many more, but I never lost faith in the One who holds me in His hands. I think my hardest year was the year when God had told me to leave a good job and work at home writing. I knew that He told me, but there were times that I wanted to take some matters in my own hands. I had a lot of “Are you going to trust Me?” moments that year.

What went into your decision to write in your particular genre/time period?
Actually, if you look at my body of work, you’ll see that I’ve been published in several time periods and different genres. But all my works have a romantic element. I believe the motto God gave me says it all: Characters Who Grip Your Heart. Readers know that whether I’m writing contemporary or historical, straight romance, mystery, suspense, western. No matter what book they pick up of mine will have that kind of characters.

Do you read the reviews that are written about your book(s)? Do you believe and/or take to heart the reviews that are written about your book(s)?
If I know about them, I do like to read the reviews, but just to get a feel of what readers see in my books. I don’t take the really good ones too seriously, and I don’t let the not so good ones hurt my feelings. (There have been far fewer of them anyway.)

What is the message you hope people gain from reading your books?
God has a plan for your life. You can either walk in His plan, or you can get off course. But He’s always waiting to help you get back on the right path.

What do you like to read? What is in your “stack to be read” right now?
Golden, I have three large bookcase sections of to-be-read books. I pick out one according to my whim-of-the-day. I love historicals and mysteries, suspense, romance, adventure.

What do you like most about being an author? The least?
The actual writing. I love to write and craft an interesting story. The thing I probably like the lease is the solitude. Writing is a solitary thing. Every once in while, I have to break loose and just have a day out with friends.

What motivates your writing?

God created me to write, so I write. I love to write a story that can change lives and at the same time entertain.

Being an author brings opportunities to speak to different groups—book clubs, workshops, conferences. Do you enjoy public speaking or does it frighten you?
With a degree in Speech and Drama, I enjoy public speaking.

If you could shout something to the heavens, and not care who heard you, what would you shout?

I LOVE JESUS, AND I LOVE JAMES!!!

Thank you, Lena, for your pertinent answers. I've enjoyed getting to know a bit about you.

Go on Lena's web site at www.lenanelsondooley.com and learn more about her and her writing, and don't forget to leave a comment for a chance to win one of her books.

2009-05-27T11:06:00.000-05:00

Matters of the Heart Ministries is now based out of Waco, TX. Lots of things are going on with the change and with the Parsons getting settled.

The ARCs (Advanced Release Copies) of Book #2, A Prisoner of Versailles, are due to be out soon, and the media campaign will begin. We are excited about that.

On this blog site I plan to be interviewing writers and those associated with the publishing industry on their latest books and events. I'd like to have writers helps on the site as well as inspiring articles. Stay tuned as we start into this venture. Thanks to our granddaughter, Crysta Grady, for her computer skills in getting this up and running.